Dear Mom,
Today, well...actually today and this week hasn't been the best, but it is simply job stress and this all too intense lunar cycle. Call me a hippie, new age, whatever you want...but I've noticed that I am highly "weepy" on full moons. Anyway, focus! Today I wanted to tell you about my experience so far in my new and AWESOME home in Denver, Colorado!
In no particular order whatsoever: Yoga, People / Culture, Shitty non- New England born drivers, Adventures!
I've fallen madly in love, Momma. I am in and in deep with yoga. I honestly never thought I'd love an activity / sport as much as I love figure skating (thanks for getting me started by the way). Yoga, like skating puts an emphasis on power, grace, strength, endurance, beauty, and self-exploration. I also enjoy the added emotional and spiritual aspect of my time in yoga. It suits my age, my personal growth trajectory, and my body is looking pretty good lately. I've been going to the classes offered as a part of my gym membership. Some may not think this is the "purest" or the way yoga "should be" experienced, but may i politely say...uh you're an idiot, and a hypocritical one at that because yoga is about the self and getting to know it while it succeeds and struggles physically and emotionally. Nothing else. Location is not important = hippies, and maybe me this summer, doing yoga in, on, under anything and everything. Nonetheless, I am loving my classes and go about 3 times a week now. Denver is a very fit town and I kind of fell into yoga one night while being "lazy" at the gym...now i'm more toned, happier, and following where this new exciting and rewarding pursuit takes me.
Denver has some of the shittiest drivers I've encountered. No. The most lackadaisical. Free spirits behind the wheel need to seriously learn how to read a traffic flow. Only in Denver have I learned that 1. passing happens more often than not in the right lane 2. no one moves to the other lane at a stop light...so often I'll see a line of 10 cars in the right lane and ZERO in the left lane. FOR NO REASON. hahaha oh they make me giggle. Then it "snows" and they freak. It is kind of cute and sad all at once. Denver gets lots of snow. The secret...shh don't tell 'em I gave it away...is that it always melts within the same week. ALWAYS! The mountains aren't to be played with, but Denver...oh Denver.
"ho fuoco nelle mie vene" will probably be incorporated in my next (non cover up) tattoo. I heard and read it a lot while living in Florence, and it means "I have fire in my veins." Denver has turned my sense of adventure to a steady 8-9 and lots of peaks to 10. I regularly take a different way home to learn new streets and neighborhoods, I have danced and drank with complete and very friendly strangers, I've joined a social group that meets up to drink at local breweries, I've been to a live music show featuring local bands, I've meet some really fascinating people, some friendly people, some very people with a very high status in government / business, I've attended a large public concert and fell in love with strangers for the night and danced with them simply because...so many more too! I'm not sure why Denver has sparked this in me to such a degree...perhaps I'm just high from all the oxygen at this altitude. hahaha ;)
I also really love that the Denver culture means: I no longer get looks for bring my own tote bags to the grocery store. There are plenty of sober options for a night out on the town. Free doesn't mean town meeting with stale doughnuts and decaf coffee. I love that I see at least a dozen walkers, runners, cyclist a day, no matter the weather. There are beautiful parks everywhere, and they are used and loved and taken care of by all. Recycling is almost a cult here. Good food is easy to find, and the quality as well as flavor profile is always impressive.
Denver is definitely going to be my roost for a few more years. I don't feel "good at" this city yet, and I like that I'm not bored. Everyday still feels fresh, new, lively, and filled with potential adventures.
I miss you terribly lately. I'll love you always.
-Me
P.S. thoughts on weaving some gorgeous flowers in and out of my back tattoo of your name?! It is pretty but I'm feeling like a bit more couldn't hurt...well not literally ;)
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Continued...
My own strength has impressed me recently in the face of the seemingly never ending aftermath of the worst breakup of all time. I would honestly, love to do and say a number of things about her...but for the sake of trying to maintain some grace and also not being arrested, I will say that Cerrita did plenty of damage. I'm recovering, most of it is "on paper" things like bills and whatnot, but the rest...eh, I really feel like I have the tools and the support and the right frame of mind to see her and see myself...and grow. In this life I've become good at getting the shit kicked out of me and getting the fuck back up...why? Because I'm Ashley. I'm not craving a pity party, I'm stating facts. I am not a quitter, I am smart, I am creative and I am damn fucking determined to not let ANYONE bring me down. And, that includes me...
Which leads me finally to #3. On thursday evening I was watching something on hulu after work. I couldn't sleep so naturally I made tea, played mahjong while listening to some mellow music and then...instead of falling asleep, that inner and outer peace had be burst into tears. I have no idea how, who, what, when, where, or why this happened but it did. I cried and realized I had to listen to it. As I listened deeply to understand where this pain was being released from I was given both an answer and huge personal epiphany. I have a major abandonment issue. I cling a little more to love, relationships, and friends than I should (whether they know it or not is separate, I just cling within my own emotions) and it is because of the little girl inside me. The little girl inside me doesn't understand the pain, the illness, the struggle, and whole package of events and factors that lead to my mother committing suicide. The little girl only understands and feels that she loved someone so dearly and then she was left alone without her. Adult Ashley knows and understands and accepts all of these things, but hasn't yet taken time to help little Ashley heal and understand all of the hurt on a more basic, but deeply ingrained level. Little Ashley would have had a bad mother around everyday if she could, than have had an amazing mother for only a few years. So, she clings to everyone, everything that she loves for fear of feeling that abandonment deep in her little heart again. Adult Ashley now has to make sure she keeps taking steps to acknowledge little Ashley's pain, although "old" still valid, and make sure that she makes choices that are smart and not just emotional / fearful.
When I finally sorted this out, I realized that I am so fucking strong and this is a huge empowering realization. I need to use this to help me be the best me and grow and be aware as much as possible. But every night when I go to sleep, I now know that I am not an abandoned little girl, I felt like one, I don't have to put up with bullshit just because I'm afraid to loose out and feel abandoned, I am strong, self-aware, and constantly striving to be a valuable, compassionate (with myself and others), fierce member of this world.
My own strength has impressed me recently in the face of the seemingly never ending aftermath of the worst breakup of all time. I would honestly, love to do and say a number of things about her...but for the sake of trying to maintain some grace and also not being arrested, I will say that Cerrita did plenty of damage. I'm recovering, most of it is "on paper" things like bills and whatnot, but the rest...eh, I really feel like I have the tools and the support and the right frame of mind to see her and see myself...and grow. In this life I've become good at getting the shit kicked out of me and getting the fuck back up...why? Because I'm Ashley. I'm not craving a pity party, I'm stating facts. I am not a quitter, I am smart, I am creative and I am damn fucking determined to not let ANYONE bring me down. And, that includes me...
Which leads me finally to #3. On thursday evening I was watching something on hulu after work. I couldn't sleep so naturally I made tea, played mahjong while listening to some mellow music and then...instead of falling asleep, that inner and outer peace had be burst into tears. I have no idea how, who, what, when, where, or why this happened but it did. I cried and realized I had to listen to it. As I listened deeply to understand where this pain was being released from I was given both an answer and huge personal epiphany. I have a major abandonment issue. I cling a little more to love, relationships, and friends than I should (whether they know it or not is separate, I just cling within my own emotions) and it is because of the little girl inside me. The little girl inside me doesn't understand the pain, the illness, the struggle, and whole package of events and factors that lead to my mother committing suicide. The little girl only understands and feels that she loved someone so dearly and then she was left alone without her. Adult Ashley knows and understands and accepts all of these things, but hasn't yet taken time to help little Ashley heal and understand all of the hurt on a more basic, but deeply ingrained level. Little Ashley would have had a bad mother around everyday if she could, than have had an amazing mother for only a few years. So, she clings to everyone, everything that she loves for fear of feeling that abandonment deep in her little heart again. Adult Ashley now has to make sure she keeps taking steps to acknowledge little Ashley's pain, although "old" still valid, and make sure that she makes choices that are smart and not just emotional / fearful.
When I finally sorted this out, I realized that I am so fucking strong and this is a huge empowering realization. I need to use this to help me be the best me and grow and be aware as much as possible. But every night when I go to sleep, I now know that I am not an abandoned little girl, I felt like one, I don't have to put up with bullshit just because I'm afraid to loose out and feel abandoned, I am strong, self-aware, and constantly striving to be a valuable, compassionate (with myself and others), fierce member of this world.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Now onto some of the heavier, but just as important stuff. Fair warning, if you don't know me well or care to, please stop reading now. I am not ashamed and I am not afraid. This is me and I'm sharing the conversations I have with my deceased mother often, just now y'all get to join in.
#1 "My own strength" and #3 "Abandonment really segue into one another.
I've been living and working in Denver (Denver area) since mid June of this year. I purposely elected to live in a one bedroom apartment. I have always felt that it is important for everyone, able to, to live alone. Man...i was even more right on the nose with that gut feeling than I expected. I've learned so much about myself, especially my own strength. I now know that I have no irrational fear of seeing a movie alone. If I want to see a movie, I will go see a damn movie. I've learned that I am quite good at cooking for one, growing my own herbs (which are now frozen and ready for my next slow cooker meal!), and I'm actually pretty good at being an adult and keeping up with responsibilities in a natural way. I thoroughly enjoy being alone when I want to be and I really like, although not always, what being "alone" has afforded me. Me time...and lots of it.
In addition to growing comfortable with and accepting of the life i've created for myself in Denver, I've had to do some serious thinking regarding a number of things. First, let's chat about Parker. I love that fur ball as if he were a part of my family. However, I've learned that love doesn't always look and feel like love "is supposed to" for lack of a better description. I am madly in love with my job and cannot and will not quit. The job had me working / out of the house for a minimum of 9 hours each day. Parker is a small dog, a young dog, alone in a one person apartment. I finally choose him and his needs over mine and gave him to Cerrita. He lived with her AND me and she knows his quirks and will take care of him despite our falling out. Parker came into my life at a strange point and he was unplanned, spontaneous and admittedly a bit irresponsible of an undertaking. Although I still get sad, I am happy and proud of my ability to love him so much that she gets what he needs (someone with more time, other dogs, and social interaction ability / availability) even if it means I loose out on raising him. He is a good little dog and one day when I have time I will responsibly own a dog, hopefully with a similar disposition.
#1 "My own strength" and #3 "Abandonment really segue into one another.
I've been living and working in Denver (Denver area) since mid June of this year. I purposely elected to live in a one bedroom apartment. I have always felt that it is important for everyone, able to, to live alone. Man...i was even more right on the nose with that gut feeling than I expected. I've learned so much about myself, especially my own strength. I now know that I have no irrational fear of seeing a movie alone. If I want to see a movie, I will go see a damn movie. I've learned that I am quite good at cooking for one, growing my own herbs (which are now frozen and ready for my next slow cooker meal!), and I'm actually pretty good at being an adult and keeping up with responsibilities in a natural way. I thoroughly enjoy being alone when I want to be and I really like, although not always, what being "alone" has afforded me. Me time...and lots of it.
In addition to growing comfortable with and accepting of the life i've created for myself in Denver, I've had to do some serious thinking regarding a number of things. First, let's chat about Parker. I love that fur ball as if he were a part of my family. However, I've learned that love doesn't always look and feel like love "is supposed to" for lack of a better description. I am madly in love with my job and cannot and will not quit. The job had me working / out of the house for a minimum of 9 hours each day. Parker is a small dog, a young dog, alone in a one person apartment. I finally choose him and his needs over mine and gave him to Cerrita. He lived with her AND me and she knows his quirks and will take care of him despite our falling out. Parker came into my life at a strange point and he was unplanned, spontaneous and admittedly a bit irresponsible of an undertaking. Although I still get sad, I am happy and proud of my ability to love him so much that she gets what he needs (someone with more time, other dogs, and social interaction ability / availability) even if it means I loose out on raising him. He is a good little dog and one day when I have time I will responsibly own a dog, hopefully with a similar disposition.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Ok....next installation will focus on # 2
Before, landing my new job I wasn't in the prettiest of places. I will admit that I made some bad choices and put myself in a position that was not that great. I've now learned that "you don't have a job until you'd signed the I-9" will forever be my mantra when job hopping / searching. As you can probably tell, i was jobless prematurely and found myself scrambling. I am not a quitter. I worked my ass off trying to find a new job and I did...however, it took a while. During the "while" period, I called a close friend or two and cried and vented and felt ashamed, but then I felt strong, brave, wiser, and loved. My friends that I was living with gave me emotional support and cheered me on and commiserated when interviews fell flat. I have a few VERY true, amazing, loving, supportive, intuitive friends out here in this lovely new state. Without the support of these friends I would have undoubtedly survived...but would have been a blubbering mess every moment I wasn't "faking it to make it" at work / interviews. These people have helped me realize that the value of good friends and just plain quality people in your life is not measurable. Value is the wrong word, in fact, importance feels better here. The importance of these kinds of rare gems in my life is of the utmost.
I try to be the best person and the best friend I can be in return. I cannot give much, but a true, honest, compassionate heart goes a long way sometimes! I am thankful for my friends on the East Coast that I can call, talk to for an hour, and feel like its been 5 minutes since we last saw each other /spoke. I am SO very gratful that my sister is a friend and I can call and cry to, laugh with, vent, scream, or be scared in front of any time life requires it. My college friends and my TFA friends are still some of my favorite people to catch up with and share memories and updates with, but these people here in Colorado have earned a permanent place in my heart and in my life...good luck getting rid of me :) I'm going to love y'all to bits forever!
I've noticed through the years that many people like to say "friends are family" or "my family is my group of friends" or something along those lines. I beg to differ. My friends are not more important than family, but definitely different. They are highly important, privy to some serious skeletons and secrets, loving beyond measure, often unconditionally, and still a challenge in the best of ways. The Greeks were right, three kinds of separate, different, and important loves and all are equal. The love of friends and love for friends is something I've been graced with throughout my life, but recently I am especially thankful for these Coloradans!
Before, landing my new job I wasn't in the prettiest of places. I will admit that I made some bad choices and put myself in a position that was not that great. I've now learned that "you don't have a job until you'd signed the I-9" will forever be my mantra when job hopping / searching. As you can probably tell, i was jobless prematurely and found myself scrambling. I am not a quitter. I worked my ass off trying to find a new job and I did...however, it took a while. During the "while" period, I called a close friend or two and cried and vented and felt ashamed, but then I felt strong, brave, wiser, and loved. My friends that I was living with gave me emotional support and cheered me on and commiserated when interviews fell flat. I have a few VERY true, amazing, loving, supportive, intuitive friends out here in this lovely new state. Without the support of these friends I would have undoubtedly survived...but would have been a blubbering mess every moment I wasn't "faking it to make it" at work / interviews. These people have helped me realize that the value of good friends and just plain quality people in your life is not measurable. Value is the wrong word, in fact, importance feels better here. The importance of these kinds of rare gems in my life is of the utmost.
I try to be the best person and the best friend I can be in return. I cannot give much, but a true, honest, compassionate heart goes a long way sometimes! I am thankful for my friends on the East Coast that I can call, talk to for an hour, and feel like its been 5 minutes since we last saw each other /spoke. I am SO very gratful that my sister is a friend and I can call and cry to, laugh with, vent, scream, or be scared in front of any time life requires it. My college friends and my TFA friends are still some of my favorite people to catch up with and share memories and updates with, but these people here in Colorado have earned a permanent place in my heart and in my life...good luck getting rid of me :) I'm going to love y'all to bits forever!
I've noticed through the years that many people like to say "friends are family" or "my family is my group of friends" or something along those lines. I beg to differ. My friends are not more important than family, but definitely different. They are highly important, privy to some serious skeletons and secrets, loving beyond measure, often unconditionally, and still a challenge in the best of ways. The Greeks were right, three kinds of separate, different, and important loves and all are equal. The love of friends and love for friends is something I've been graced with throughout my life, but recently I am especially thankful for these Coloradans!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
New City, New Lessons, New Outlook
Dear Mom,
Today I...well, today I want to do several things but I think I'll only skim the surface to give myself a framework to work from. I don't want to miss a thing and there is quite a lot I need to catch you up on in my life.
I've learned a lot since I last wrote (even though we speak more often than I write, I feel better covering it all for good measure) and here is my little self organizing list / teaser in no particular order.
1. My own strength
2. The value of good friends / quality people
3. Abandonment
4. My professional self
5. Bravery
I'm going to start with #4...
I absolutely love my job at Il Vicino. It is not my dream job, but it makes me very happy and I feel good going to and leaving from work each an every day. That in itself is a very impressive, important, and rare thing (at least for me in recent years) and I cherish this fact.
I have an amazing set of co managers and together we are all constantly striving to do better, help each other catch minor mistakes and do even better again, and keep the restaurant a thriving, prosperous, fun place to be and work. The level of friendship and professionalism that is always present astounds me when i sit back and think about it. I trust these women, I admire these women, and I'm happy to work with them. I am getting better as a manager and as a professional each week that passes. Additionally, I really love the fact that the owners are so involved. I know 2 of the three and have had meaningful conversations with them. They are real people, with real passion, and a real vision that they've realized and keep pushing forward for bigger and better new horizons. I can't wait to be that to my set of managers and staff one day!
Since starting my post, I've also learned that I have a great capacity for putting people at ease in difficult situations. I'm not entirely sure where it comes from but I've noticed that I am able to see immediately to the root of problems and fix that, not the symptoms. At the end of the day people want to feel like they were important, cared about, and welcome...things should feel easy. When they don't = problems. Guest and staff...this is true of all. I've also learned that I still LOVE TO LEARN and am always asking and reading and trying things to make myself better. I want to streamline my skills, my thinking, my actions...everything! so that I look and feel as though I'm in control, calm, friendly, and assertive. Each day I really try to get better at something...I'm hoping to look back in January (after my first 6 months) and see a real trend of growth and development.
Next number, tomorrow evening!
Today I...well, today I want to do several things but I think I'll only skim the surface to give myself a framework to work from. I don't want to miss a thing and there is quite a lot I need to catch you up on in my life.
I've learned a lot since I last wrote (even though we speak more often than I write, I feel better covering it all for good measure) and here is my little self organizing list / teaser in no particular order.
1. My own strength
2. The value of good friends / quality people
3. Abandonment
4. My professional self
5. Bravery
I'm going to start with #4...
I absolutely love my job at Il Vicino. It is not my dream job, but it makes me very happy and I feel good going to and leaving from work each an every day. That in itself is a very impressive, important, and rare thing (at least for me in recent years) and I cherish this fact.
I have an amazing set of co managers and together we are all constantly striving to do better, help each other catch minor mistakes and do even better again, and keep the restaurant a thriving, prosperous, fun place to be and work. The level of friendship and professionalism that is always present astounds me when i sit back and think about it. I trust these women, I admire these women, and I'm happy to work with them. I am getting better as a manager and as a professional each week that passes. Additionally, I really love the fact that the owners are so involved. I know 2 of the three and have had meaningful conversations with them. They are real people, with real passion, and a real vision that they've realized and keep pushing forward for bigger and better new horizons. I can't wait to be that to my set of managers and staff one day!
Since starting my post, I've also learned that I have a great capacity for putting people at ease in difficult situations. I'm not entirely sure where it comes from but I've noticed that I am able to see immediately to the root of problems and fix that, not the symptoms. At the end of the day people want to feel like they were important, cared about, and welcome...things should feel easy. When they don't = problems. Guest and staff...this is true of all. I've also learned that I still LOVE TO LEARN and am always asking and reading and trying things to make myself better. I want to streamline my skills, my thinking, my actions...everything! so that I look and feel as though I'm in control, calm, friendly, and assertive. Each day I really try to get better at something...I'm hoping to look back in January (after my first 6 months) and see a real trend of growth and development.
Next number, tomorrow evening!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Dear Mom,
Today, I...am finally ready to write and share all that I need to with you. I've learned several hard lessons recently, but I'm thankful for them. Not jumping fo rjoy, due to the weariness that remains, but still my soul and heart are happy that I'm definitely heading on a path that feels right. I don't have to convince myself, let alone anyone else, that its the right one.
I've become excruciatingly self-aware of myself in a few respects. I recently (3 or so months ago) ended things with Cerrita. The relationship was becoming toxic to us both, but i can only speak for myself and will do just that. I wasn't the same me, I was a lesser quality version of myself, and I didn't even realize it for a while. I stopped being happy and was angry and frustrated and tired and loathing and uninterested far more than I had been earlier in the relationship. I knew something was off and wasn't easily fixable. I wasn't and still don't feel like I could be a quality half to anyone's whole...so I ended things. I now understand the true meaning of the hardest thing and the right thing are often one in the same.
During a few of the nastier arguments at the end of the road, I learned that no matter my own childhood experiences, no matter how hot my blood boils, no matter how fucking badly i want to slap the shit (or worse) out of anyone...when push literally comes to shove...i will rise above and not cave to brief temptations or weaknesses only to hate myself for breaking my values later. I'm quite proud of this, although frankly it SUCKS to have learned that I can count on my heart and head always being strong in such a shitty situation.
I'd like to note that Cerrita and I are finally in a place where we are friends and speak daily and are sharing Parker for the time being. Things are going well. I did love her, and genuinely, so i don't understand how i could treat her like I never cared and felt that for her at one time in my life. I've also never been able to honestly and genuinely do this with any of my other exes. i'm deeply sorry for this, but I'm also grateful that I've finally learned this lesson in my life's journey. I don't wish maliciousness or evil or anything but good, wholly and truly for Cerrita.
Switching gears a little bit...i've recently learned quite a bit about the value of doing a good fucking job everyday. Parker teaches me to laugh and be spontaneous and loving and carefree...but some of his and my own bad habits have surfaced! I need to be a better and firmer "pack leader" so his little smart self doesn't pull tricks or misbehave nearly as often as i've allowed him. I'm actively bettering my training skills and more importantly my consistency. He is a gem or a creature and is resistant, but is also responding so very well. He would for sure be an honor roll dog...just sayin!
Lastly, fun job updates!
I was hired at my job as a cashier and it was my second job at the time...they liked me, my work ethic and wanted me to work more hours for their restaurant...so began negotiations...momma didn't raise no fool! I quickly got a good deal out of them and worked my little tail off so that I was getting 40 hours a week. I put in my notice at my other job and committed to the restaurant (after all when i first moved here I thought about opening my own restaurant...that was my real business idea ;) and i am still thinking about a food cart/truck!) Back to my story! from cashier I became a FOH shift supervisor, and now I'm the catering Manager....BOOM HARD WORK ALWAYS WINS. There may be others more experienced in the restaurant industry, there may be others with catering experience...but I got the post because I care about 2 things and 2 things only. 1. THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS GETS THE EBST VERSION OF YOU AND YOUR PRODUCT...and do whatever you can to ensure that 100% of the time. and 2. EVERY MOMENT YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD...YOUR COMPETITION IS...so always be giving your best. not THE best...YOUR best.
I love my catering post. It might turn into another promotion...it might not. I'm happy for the time being and i'm soaking in all teh experience and lessons and tips etc I can for my own gig one day!
i love and miss you like crazy. sorry we've only had brief hot tub chats recently. you're always in my heart and in my flesh (literally!) pushing me along and picking me up when I need it...backbone was so damn appropriate for that tattoo ;)
I LOVE YOU!
-Ashley
Today, I...am finally ready to write and share all that I need to with you. I've learned several hard lessons recently, but I'm thankful for them. Not jumping fo rjoy, due to the weariness that remains, but still my soul and heart are happy that I'm definitely heading on a path that feels right. I don't have to convince myself, let alone anyone else, that its the right one.
I've become excruciatingly self-aware of myself in a few respects. I recently (3 or so months ago) ended things with Cerrita. The relationship was becoming toxic to us both, but i can only speak for myself and will do just that. I wasn't the same me, I was a lesser quality version of myself, and I didn't even realize it for a while. I stopped being happy and was angry and frustrated and tired and loathing and uninterested far more than I had been earlier in the relationship. I knew something was off and wasn't easily fixable. I wasn't and still don't feel like I could be a quality half to anyone's whole...so I ended things. I now understand the true meaning of the hardest thing and the right thing are often one in the same.
During a few of the nastier arguments at the end of the road, I learned that no matter my own childhood experiences, no matter how hot my blood boils, no matter how fucking badly i want to slap the shit (or worse) out of anyone...when push literally comes to shove...i will rise above and not cave to brief temptations or weaknesses only to hate myself for breaking my values later. I'm quite proud of this, although frankly it SUCKS to have learned that I can count on my heart and head always being strong in such a shitty situation.
I'd like to note that Cerrita and I are finally in a place where we are friends and speak daily and are sharing Parker for the time being. Things are going well. I did love her, and genuinely, so i don't understand how i could treat her like I never cared and felt that for her at one time in my life. I've also never been able to honestly and genuinely do this with any of my other exes. i'm deeply sorry for this, but I'm also grateful that I've finally learned this lesson in my life's journey. I don't wish maliciousness or evil or anything but good, wholly and truly for Cerrita.
Switching gears a little bit...i've recently learned quite a bit about the value of doing a good fucking job everyday. Parker teaches me to laugh and be spontaneous and loving and carefree...but some of his and my own bad habits have surfaced! I need to be a better and firmer "pack leader" so his little smart self doesn't pull tricks or misbehave nearly as often as i've allowed him. I'm actively bettering my training skills and more importantly my consistency. He is a gem or a creature and is resistant, but is also responding so very well. He would for sure be an honor roll dog...just sayin!
Lastly, fun job updates!
I was hired at my job as a cashier and it was my second job at the time...they liked me, my work ethic and wanted me to work more hours for their restaurant...so began negotiations...momma didn't raise no fool! I quickly got a good deal out of them and worked my little tail off so that I was getting 40 hours a week. I put in my notice at my other job and committed to the restaurant (after all when i first moved here I thought about opening my own restaurant...that was my real business idea ;) and i am still thinking about a food cart/truck!) Back to my story! from cashier I became a FOH shift supervisor, and now I'm the catering Manager....BOOM HARD WORK ALWAYS WINS. There may be others more experienced in the restaurant industry, there may be others with catering experience...but I got the post because I care about 2 things and 2 things only. 1. THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS GETS THE EBST VERSION OF YOU AND YOUR PRODUCT...and do whatever you can to ensure that 100% of the time. and 2. EVERY MOMENT YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD...YOUR COMPETITION IS...so always be giving your best. not THE best...YOUR best.
I love my catering post. It might turn into another promotion...it might not. I'm happy for the time being and i'm soaking in all teh experience and lessons and tips etc I can for my own gig one day!
i love and miss you like crazy. sorry we've only had brief hot tub chats recently. you're always in my heart and in my flesh (literally!) pushing me along and picking me up when I need it...backbone was so damn appropriate for that tattoo ;)
I LOVE YOU!
-Ashley
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Fortune's Wheel
Dear Mom,
Today I am going to write about some of the lessons, self reflections, and other odd topics on my mind since the last post/rant. I have learned that Fortune's Wheel sometimes turns extremely slowly and that everyone, yes everyone, has their time at the very bottom and the very top of that big bad boy. Patiently waiting for the Wheel to budge and pull you upward again is the hardest, but most crucial feat to accomplish. (*Note: I am not saying that life is all about things happening to you, I work and I work hard alllll the time, but sometimes you just can't "win" no matter how hard you work/ much effort is put forth) Once you can truly and honestly learn to accept what you cannot change and somehow find enough peace to sleep at night and find pleasurable moments in your day, then you have accomplished the feat I am making reference to above. So, what has happened now that I'm no longer dragging my toes along the gritty bottom of the Wheel, you ask? A few things!
First and foremost, Cerrita's health is on the up turn. Fewer medications, restless nights, pain has greatly decreased, and docs and nurses have been amazing since we learned a little more about the medical field, ranks, and insurance regulations, etc. I am truly thankful to our local pharmacist who answered at least 5-10 questions per visit for Cerrita and I, and I am also most thankful to her primary care Doctor ...she is smart, organized, creative, and easy to relate to...holy did we get lucky!
Second, I found a second job after looking and applying and interviewing diligently for about 2 months. I work at a great deli (it is a Franchise chain is all I will say on here) and am really loving it.**
Cerrita found a new, better, less-stressful, job and is slowly but surely jumping back into "the world" after her body went through a lot and the previous job as a service advisor at that specific location was not working out (for mind, soul OR body). She is killin' it and I am proud of her drive and desire to not only contribute to our household finances, but for her desire to accomplish something everyday and still be true to herself and her own needs. this balance has always been something that is difficult for her. I am by no means a master of this in my own universe, but I commend and appreciate her for her efforts and success in this area.
Third, I have been loosing weight like a mad woman and not even trying. OK, I lied a little...I'm trying but not that hard. No i don't have a tape worm, no i am not starving myself, and no its not some starvation unsustainable "diet." I have taken up what is called The Paleo Diet. I don't call it a diet, I call it a nutrition change because that is truly what it is at its core. I did extensive reading on the logic and rationale behind this "diet" and you should too! Here is why: I eat more on a daily basis than I ever have, yes more; I have natural energy all day (and often work 14 hrs in a day between the two jobs ) and never crash; I feel good. I just feel like I've always wanted to feel...the way I've explained it to friends and to Cerrita is that I feel almost like each day I get a sense of "welcome to your life, have a great day" washes over me. Haha...too much time in the Mts makes me a hippie I guess. Oh well. Anyway. I no longer eat processed foods, dairy, or grains. I eat a TON of lean meats, veggies, fruits, some nuts here and there, and eggs from time to time. Water is the name of the game, but I still allow myself morning black coffee and 1 "non-Paleo" meal a week. I've dropped 6 lbs in a week BY EATING and EATING A LOT OF FOOD! I won't go on and on, I'll just say that I've learned about my body and food so...if you want to drop lbs or want to try a natural route to energy, read about Paleo, and give it a shot.
**I left those stars there so that I would remember to make a life note. Earlier in this blog I mentioned that I was thinking about opening my own restaurant in Colo. Spgs. I still would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do that someday, but a good friend suggested just getting any job at a restaurant and learning as much as possible. So even though I', working at a franchise chain, I'm learning the basics of the bizzz and loving it. I'm already being groomed for shift manager and will get the official title in a few days after I can prove that I know the ropes of management!!! Do I want to teach? yes. Am going to pigeon-hole myself into one single career path when I've got this great opportunity in my hands and am already advancing up through the ranks? NO WAY. Right now I am working to pay off my own student loans, help with household finances, and to soak up as much info as possible about restaurants and good customer service in this new field. I am still getting all my teaching ducks in a row, but if it turns out that the restaurant track is for me...I'll probably pursue it. Test scores are good for 3-5 years. I can and will always be able to jump into teaching. I am extremely happy with this second job that is turning out to be so much more.
So there you have it...finally a "my life is looking up" post, my girl and I are doing all right, I am happy and less stressed once again and looking forward to the future. Lots of lessons, I can tell I'm getting older, hopefully wiser...possibly even sexier with age ;)
I love you and miss you and talk about you all the time.
Love always,
Ashley
Today I am going to write about some of the lessons, self reflections, and other odd topics on my mind since the last post/rant. I have learned that Fortune's Wheel sometimes turns extremely slowly and that everyone, yes everyone, has their time at the very bottom and the very top of that big bad boy. Patiently waiting for the Wheel to budge and pull you upward again is the hardest, but most crucial feat to accomplish. (*Note: I am not saying that life is all about things happening to you, I work and I work hard alllll the time, but sometimes you just can't "win" no matter how hard you work/ much effort is put forth) Once you can truly and honestly learn to accept what you cannot change and somehow find enough peace to sleep at night and find pleasurable moments in your day, then you have accomplished the feat I am making reference to above. So, what has happened now that I'm no longer dragging my toes along the gritty bottom of the Wheel, you ask? A few things!
First and foremost, Cerrita's health is on the up turn. Fewer medications, restless nights, pain has greatly decreased, and docs and nurses have been amazing since we learned a little more about the medical field, ranks, and insurance regulations, etc. I am truly thankful to our local pharmacist who answered at least 5-10 questions per visit for Cerrita and I, and I am also most thankful to her primary care Doctor ...she is smart, organized, creative, and easy to relate to...holy did we get lucky!
Second, I found a second job after looking and applying and interviewing diligently for about 2 months. I work at a great deli (it is a Franchise chain is all I will say on here) and am really loving it.**
Cerrita found a new, better, less-stressful, job and is slowly but surely jumping back into "the world" after her body went through a lot and the previous job as a service advisor at that specific location was not working out (for mind, soul OR body). She is killin' it and I am proud of her drive and desire to not only contribute to our household finances, but for her desire to accomplish something everyday and still be true to herself and her own needs. this balance has always been something that is difficult for her. I am by no means a master of this in my own universe, but I commend and appreciate her for her efforts and success in this area.
Third, I have been loosing weight like a mad woman and not even trying. OK, I lied a little...I'm trying but not that hard. No i don't have a tape worm, no i am not starving myself, and no its not some starvation unsustainable "diet." I have taken up what is called The Paleo Diet. I don't call it a diet, I call it a nutrition change because that is truly what it is at its core. I did extensive reading on the logic and rationale behind this "diet" and you should too! Here is why: I eat more on a daily basis than I ever have, yes more; I have natural energy all day (and often work 14 hrs in a day between the two jobs ) and never crash; I feel good. I just feel like I've always wanted to feel...the way I've explained it to friends and to Cerrita is that I feel almost like each day I get a sense of "welcome to your life, have a great day" washes over me. Haha...too much time in the Mts makes me a hippie I guess. Oh well. Anyway. I no longer eat processed foods, dairy, or grains. I eat a TON of lean meats, veggies, fruits, some nuts here and there, and eggs from time to time. Water is the name of the game, but I still allow myself morning black coffee and 1 "non-Paleo" meal a week. I've dropped 6 lbs in a week BY EATING and EATING A LOT OF FOOD! I won't go on and on, I'll just say that I've learned about my body and food so...if you want to drop lbs or want to try a natural route to energy, read about Paleo, and give it a shot.
**I left those stars there so that I would remember to make a life note. Earlier in this blog I mentioned that I was thinking about opening my own restaurant in Colo. Spgs. I still would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do that someday, but a good friend suggested just getting any job at a restaurant and learning as much as possible. So even though I', working at a franchise chain, I'm learning the basics of the bizzz and loving it. I'm already being groomed for shift manager and will get the official title in a few days after I can prove that I know the ropes of management!!! Do I want to teach? yes. Am going to pigeon-hole myself into one single career path when I've got this great opportunity in my hands and am already advancing up through the ranks? NO WAY. Right now I am working to pay off my own student loans, help with household finances, and to soak up as much info as possible about restaurants and good customer service in this new field. I am still getting all my teaching ducks in a row, but if it turns out that the restaurant track is for me...I'll probably pursue it. Test scores are good for 3-5 years. I can and will always be able to jump into teaching. I am extremely happy with this second job that is turning out to be so much more.
So there you have it...finally a "my life is looking up" post, my girl and I are doing all right, I am happy and less stressed once again and looking forward to the future. Lots of lessons, I can tell I'm getting older, hopefully wiser...possibly even sexier with age ;)
I love you and miss you and talk about you all the time.
Love always,
Ashley
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Now I Understand the Intro Song to Friends
Dear Mom,
Today, I realized that I can now fully, or more than before this July, appreciate the lyric "I'll be there for you, even if its not your day, your month, or even your year" from the intro song for the 90's show "Friends." All I can say is...well, fuck. July.
Epic wildfires, 12 day Hospital stays, and a movie theather shooting. WTF is with this month?! It has definitely NOT been my day, week or month...please god, yahweh, buddha, higher cosmic powers that be...don't let it extend to a year!
Colorado, and most of the West, has burned (and continues to burn in some areas) some of the greatest wildfires in ten years. In my new home, Colorado Springs, there was the greatest fire the state had seen this year and in the past ten years since the Hamen fire. I literally drove along I-25 and watch flames licking at the sky from the hillside. One hundred foot tall flames. The hillside I've recently hiked. The hillside where a co-worker lives. The city looked like the lovechild of Armageddeon and a military coup. Helicopters, planes, police, national guard, firefighters, state troopers, the Governor and mayor, national forest service personnel--all of these people came to be the only familiar and only comforting faces on tv, in public, on streets, and over the radio. Smoke blotted out the sun--even changed the weather pattern originally coming in pre-fire for the city--and served as a constant and stark reminder of the serisouness of the blazing hillside and ever changing wind gusts. The blaze started in June and lasted into early July. Days felt like months, weeks felt like years...but my new home pulled together, supported residents, firefighters, and volunteer groups and individuals with warmth, compassion, donations of time, money, food and shelter for pets and people. everyone was weary and stressed, but truly held onto hope and positivity. I am so proud to have a such a strong community surrounding me.
Mid way through July...Cerrita calls me from work and informs that she doesn't have the heartburn we thought she had this morning at 4 am, rather it is quite serious, what it is she doesn't know, but her boss is driving her to the ER and she will call me from there or have him call me. The nurse she spoke to via Ask-A-Nurse said it sounded like classic symptoms for a heart attack. Eff! my love! Panic sweeps over my inside3s while my outsides struggle to keep the smile glowing and the goosebumps from growing at work. NUmerous calls to and from co worker/friends and her boss and I finally coulsn't take it and leaft work early to be with her. i want information from the docs mouth into my ears. I am thankful to her friends and boss for not letting her be alone during that scary time, but I needed to be there for her and well frankly, for myself, too.
The ER docs and techs and RNs etc couldn't figure out what was wrong, but knew something major was going on because of the X-Rays. The issue quickyl became not if or what the problem was but, why and how it got there to begin with and so suddenly. Well, after 12 days, 2 ct scans, a scope of her esophagus, numerous chest x-rays, some barium swallow tests, and a boat load of bloodwork the red cross would be impressed by....a diagnosis. I am not going to reveal the name or even the nature. I will simply say that we are changing our lives a lot and living and learning, in a VERY healthy way, as we go through each day. I'll tell you, and it brings tears of joy, pain, stress, and love to my eyes as I think about it...12 days and about 6-8 of them in a state of silent fear and panic that the love of your life will remain a medical mystery to 6 VERY qualified doctors is a bonding experience of a lifetime. We leraned a lot about needs, affection, true compassion, and above all unconditional love. I am very anxious, very hopeful, but above all very proud of my girl and myself for getting through the roughest part of it all. Steady progress has been made since leaving the hospital only a few days ago.
Aurora, CO...I don't even know where to begin, other than what a slap in the face after already having an open wound personally. I love my new state (I miss my original one, often) and was in shock to hear yet another "record breaking news story" come blaring over the radio and television that fateful Friday. I haven't yet taken the time to form an opinion about the whole thing other than the fact that I am still firmly anti-violence...so much so that I may become a buddhist. Not really...well not yet at least.
I still hope to go back to teaching, there is no way it will or can work out for this fall--perhaps for the spring--but i now know my city, my state, and my self a lot better and will...I WILL...attack and become a gainfully employed teacher in 2013. Cerrita's health is a priority at the moment and I don't really mind living life a day at a time. Yes, I want to make changes in the world, help people, better myself and be challenged and passionate about a cause. For now...my cause is my personal life, and, isn't successfully living each day with a loved one a great enough cause? I think so. So i'm doing it...until I have time and energy for another cause.
All my love and as much as ever, I really miss you Mom...holy cow do I appreciate good RNs EVEN MORE now ;)
Ashley
Today, I realized that I can now fully, or more than before this July, appreciate the lyric "I'll be there for you, even if its not your day, your month, or even your year" from the intro song for the 90's show "Friends." All I can say is...well, fuck. July.
Epic wildfires, 12 day Hospital stays, and a movie theather shooting. WTF is with this month?! It has definitely NOT been my day, week or month...please god, yahweh, buddha, higher cosmic powers that be...don't let it extend to a year!
Colorado, and most of the West, has burned (and continues to burn in some areas) some of the greatest wildfires in ten years. In my new home, Colorado Springs, there was the greatest fire the state had seen this year and in the past ten years since the Hamen fire. I literally drove along I-25 and watch flames licking at the sky from the hillside. One hundred foot tall flames. The hillside I've recently hiked. The hillside where a co-worker lives. The city looked like the lovechild of Armageddeon and a military coup. Helicopters, planes, police, national guard, firefighters, state troopers, the Governor and mayor, national forest service personnel--all of these people came to be the only familiar and only comforting faces on tv, in public, on streets, and over the radio. Smoke blotted out the sun--even changed the weather pattern originally coming in pre-fire for the city--and served as a constant and stark reminder of the serisouness of the blazing hillside and ever changing wind gusts. The blaze started in June and lasted into early July. Days felt like months, weeks felt like years...but my new home pulled together, supported residents, firefighters, and volunteer groups and individuals with warmth, compassion, donations of time, money, food and shelter for pets and people. everyone was weary and stressed, but truly held onto hope and positivity. I am so proud to have a such a strong community surrounding me.
Mid way through July...Cerrita calls me from work and informs that she doesn't have the heartburn we thought she had this morning at 4 am, rather it is quite serious, what it is she doesn't know, but her boss is driving her to the ER and she will call me from there or have him call me. The nurse she spoke to via Ask-A-Nurse said it sounded like classic symptoms for a heart attack. Eff! my love! Panic sweeps over my inside3s while my outsides struggle to keep the smile glowing and the goosebumps from growing at work. NUmerous calls to and from co worker/friends and her boss and I finally coulsn't take it and leaft work early to be with her. i want information from the docs mouth into my ears. I am thankful to her friends and boss for not letting her be alone during that scary time, but I needed to be there for her and well frankly, for myself, too.
The ER docs and techs and RNs etc couldn't figure out what was wrong, but knew something major was going on because of the X-Rays. The issue quickyl became not if or what the problem was but, why and how it got there to begin with and so suddenly. Well, after 12 days, 2 ct scans, a scope of her esophagus, numerous chest x-rays, some barium swallow tests, and a boat load of bloodwork the red cross would be impressed by....a diagnosis. I am not going to reveal the name or even the nature. I will simply say that we are changing our lives a lot and living and learning, in a VERY healthy way, as we go through each day. I'll tell you, and it brings tears of joy, pain, stress, and love to my eyes as I think about it...12 days and about 6-8 of them in a state of silent fear and panic that the love of your life will remain a medical mystery to 6 VERY qualified doctors is a bonding experience of a lifetime. We leraned a lot about needs, affection, true compassion, and above all unconditional love. I am very anxious, very hopeful, but above all very proud of my girl and myself for getting through the roughest part of it all. Steady progress has been made since leaving the hospital only a few days ago.
Aurora, CO...I don't even know where to begin, other than what a slap in the face after already having an open wound personally. I love my new state (I miss my original one, often) and was in shock to hear yet another "record breaking news story" come blaring over the radio and television that fateful Friday. I haven't yet taken the time to form an opinion about the whole thing other than the fact that I am still firmly anti-violence...so much so that I may become a buddhist. Not really...well not yet at least.
I still hope to go back to teaching, there is no way it will or can work out for this fall--perhaps for the spring--but i now know my city, my state, and my self a lot better and will...I WILL...attack and become a gainfully employed teacher in 2013. Cerrita's health is a priority at the moment and I don't really mind living life a day at a time. Yes, I want to make changes in the world, help people, better myself and be challenged and passionate about a cause. For now...my cause is my personal life, and, isn't successfully living each day with a loved one a great enough cause? I think so. So i'm doing it...until I have time and energy for another cause.
All my love and as much as ever, I really miss you Mom...holy cow do I appreciate good RNs EVEN MORE now ;)
Ashley
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Back on track with myself after a few important/difficult/exciting/ happy/ not-so-happy/ but important months
Dear Mom,
Today I realized that I haven't written since March! Today (well since this weekend) I've put myself back on track after a few _________(see the title) months. April and May were a clusterf*ck frankly of a lot of things coming together, ending, refreshing, etc. I flew to NH for my sister's birthday. I visited Rachel in NYC for a night of laughs and good food. My relationship hit an all time low...leading to my own personal strengths all time high. My relationship was set back on track with new terms, new happiness, new vigor, and a new clear focus and some cleaning was done in the process. I left the nanny job. I got a new job, and love it. I started working out regularly again. I co-coached my first synchronized skating team. I visited a friend while she visited the area for the Warrior Games. I bought some new books to read. I bought a blender. I gave away some old "fat" clothes. I re-fell-in-love with Colorado Springs, Cerrita, and myself. Oh! and I've officially become an adult-ish..fun story later :)
Whew! See....i haven't been just lolly-gaggin' around...i've been doing some real visible and invisible growing and learning. Without going into too much annoying detail about each item listed, I'll do a basic recap of the "big'uns." My sister's birthday was very fun, and so was drinking at "sea level" again...I'm a tank again, but a two beer queer at high altitude :) I can't believe she is 21...every time she gets older I feel WAY older. Rachel is gorgeous as ever and I miss our college days together more often than I am willing to admit out loud. She da best! Skipping relationship for a mini moment. I left the nanny job for a "real" job that offered interaction with adults, professional dress codes, a stable schedule, and more money. The kids I was a nanny for were great, most days, and I learned a lot once again about my one day children (or nieces and nephews)and left for financial and regular scheduling reasons. I was honest, as always, with the them and told them i will always miss and think of them and hope to run into them from time to time. I love the new job as a receptionist at a dental office in the area. I have made a few work friends, I have lots of independence, and i have already impressed the pants of all the doctors. Win for me! This job allows for more money and a regular schedule...so I've been able to catch up on my application for the ALT teaching license endorsement for Colorado. I want to start teaching in August, but life happens and I won't beat myself up for that, so if I start in january...success will still be mine :) I'm back on track with my health and nutrition and determined to reach my goal by Christmas! This just my be the first time I reach a NYE resolution. This is the second to last week with the synchronized figure skating team (its not a private team, rather one sponosred by the local Learn to Skate program) and I am so proud and a bit sad to have this experience come to a close. Those girls are awesome and a breath of fresh air every Thursday night! New books have yet to be completed. blender = smoothies all the time...margaritas coming soon.
And...I have become more of an adult recently as I noticed a peculiar reaction to something I saw one night. One night while driving home, I saw a few teenagers crossing the road. It appeared at first as if they were acting like apes crossing the road, but upon closer approach I realized they were placing some sort of basic pop-explosive (the things you throw at the ground and they pop and smoke I guessed) and that is why they looked so odd while crossing the road. At the same time i realized exactly what they were doing I noticed that cars were swerving around the objects in the road and traffic was beginning to build up in that lane. *Note* I live on a street shared with the back entrance to a hospital that is primarily used for its ER and the elderly in town. Immediately, I am irritated and upset by these teens. I think to myself, I am going to call the cops if this doesn't come to an end in the next five minutes--it did. My mind raced with the dangerous possibilities of this juvenile prank and suddenly I stopped...and realized that I was officially an adult. This was no longer amusing, I no longer wanted to "one up" them with my own creative prank, and...i was ready and willing to take action. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me...it felt huge. I am an adult. Youth has not quite left me, but adulthood keeps bringing in more luggage and plans to stay for the long haul.
Finally, on falling in love and have lot to share but only a few words. I love Colorado Springs again after visiting the top of Pikes Peak via the Cog Railway. Its awesome. Visit. Do it! I also love that I've learned the area so well in my time here and feel like I really and truly live here and am not "new" anymore. Cerrita and I had a real rough patch. Enough said. Out of that patch came a lot of honest conversations and some real growth for the two f us in our relationship. I've noticed a huge positive change in her, which is not at all superficial, and it has made all the difference for the two of us. We are making each other better again and we are growing and loving and laughing and enjoying each other. Rough patches are sometimes necessary if you recognize them as teaching moments. I am again happy and madly in love with her. And, I'm in love with myself all over again. I hit a bit of a slump (part of the rough patch's roots)and the new job, the positive turn in our relationship, returning to the gym, and taking regular positive "Me time" to accomplish things and relax has let me almost rediscover myself :)
So Momma, I'm doing alright. i'm sorry I fell of the radar, but thank got I'm a Capricorn and us goats, we're no strangers to climbing back to the top from time to time! I miss you. I love you...please do something about the hail here ;)
Love,
ME
Monday, March 26, 2012
Meeting New People
Dear Mom,
Today I am grateful that I am sometimes (not all the time) brave enough to let myself out of my comfort zone and befriend some VERy different but VERY amazing new people. I just had a 45 min conversation with a new friend in the area. I felt proud that I am teaching her as much as she is teaching me...we both laugh a lot together...and that we both seem to be wild and crazy / mature and reasonable/responsible in our own ways. Good friends are hard to come by...in fact to quote my favorite modern poet Stacyann Chin "Perseverance is the stuff of which good, friends, food, and sex is made of"
Love and hugs and kisses :)
Miss you always
Ashley
Today I am grateful that I am sometimes (not all the time) brave enough to let myself out of my comfort zone and befriend some VERy different but VERY amazing new people. I just had a 45 min conversation with a new friend in the area. I felt proud that I am teaching her as much as she is teaching me...we both laugh a lot together...and that we both seem to be wild and crazy / mature and reasonable/responsible in our own ways. Good friends are hard to come by...in fact to quote my favorite modern poet Stacyann Chin "Perseverance is the stuff of which good, friends, food, and sex is made of"
Love and hugs and kisses :)
Miss you always
Ashley
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Parker
Dear Mom,
Today I realized that I have yet to share Parker with you! Parker is our brand new (well he is 7 weeks approx. now and we got him around 5 weeks) Yorkiepoo puppy! He is a mix of yorkshire terrier and teacup poodle. He is TINY! I took him to the vet on Monday and he weighs 2.2 lb....he might hit 4 lb. by the time he is fully grown. He has curly hair that is black with a yellow/ tan tummy, "eye shadow," and paws. Parker's ears are floppy and pointed in a triangle shape and his face is wide and short, but he has the biggest black eyes ever!
He has personality that is something out of this world...and he is so smart! I'm fairly certain he is a mix of a bunny, a cat, a tight rope walker, a bear, and a track star. He hops on all fours when excited or playing with some of his toys, he meows...seriously meows on occasion and uses his front paws so gently when testing if a new toy or treat is safe, he walks on his hind legs very easily and for extended periods of time, he growls a big bear/ dog growl when playing tug that is impressive for a 2.2 lb. dog, and he runs full speed and keeps up with my jog pace!
It is safe to say that I am madly in love with Parker. In the first week we had him he was malnourished, couldn't sleep through the night, and was extremely skiddish around everything. Now, he sleeps through the night on his blanket at the foot of the bed on the floor, he eats on his own (no longer one piece at a time from my hand), he's gained some healthy weight and he greets us at the door when we come home.
Two mornings ago Cerrita realized he had learned the basics of fetch and loves it! If only we could get him to consistently follow his potty training rules... Anyway, pictures soon :)
I love and miss you...keep sending sunshine my way!
Love Ashley
Today I realized that I have yet to share Parker with you! Parker is our brand new (well he is 7 weeks approx. now and we got him around 5 weeks) Yorkiepoo puppy! He is a mix of yorkshire terrier and teacup poodle. He is TINY! I took him to the vet on Monday and he weighs 2.2 lb....he might hit 4 lb. by the time he is fully grown. He has curly hair that is black with a yellow/ tan tummy, "eye shadow," and paws. Parker's ears are floppy and pointed in a triangle shape and his face is wide and short, but he has the biggest black eyes ever!
He has personality that is something out of this world...and he is so smart! I'm fairly certain he is a mix of a bunny, a cat, a tight rope walker, a bear, and a track star. He hops on all fours when excited or playing with some of his toys, he meows...seriously meows on occasion and uses his front paws so gently when testing if a new toy or treat is safe, he walks on his hind legs very easily and for extended periods of time, he growls a big bear/ dog growl when playing tug that is impressive for a 2.2 lb. dog, and he runs full speed and keeps up with my jog pace!
It is safe to say that I am madly in love with Parker. In the first week we had him he was malnourished, couldn't sleep through the night, and was extremely skiddish around everything. Now, he sleeps through the night on his blanket at the foot of the bed on the floor, he eats on his own (no longer one piece at a time from my hand), he's gained some healthy weight and he greets us at the door when we come home.
Two mornings ago Cerrita realized he had learned the basics of fetch and loves it! If only we could get him to consistently follow his potty training rules... Anyway, pictures soon :)
I love and miss you...keep sending sunshine my way!
Love Ashley
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Capoeria!
Dear Mom,
Today I am going to my second Brazilian Capoeria class. A friend of mine from bootcamp actually teaches Capoeria and gave me and a few other friends a one month voucher for free lessons / classes! I went last Thursday and 1. sustained a nasty blister 2. sweat / danced like a happy crazy fool 3. learned some Portuguese! I'm really trying to get out there and meet more people and also really trying to push myself as much as possible so I can report, proudly, next week's measure and weigh in. S, I am most enthused about tonight (this morning's workout was good but not great...always is less intense when learning new exercises...but hello phase II is going to be HARD!) and I hope to get better at the art of the dance fight and to socialize with and get to know some more people. I'm hoping for zero blisters this time...but even so, I survived last time...I'll push through again!
PS - Tomorrow, Cerrita and I are heading to Denver to see the Nuggets play the Trailblazers. SO excited for Denver AND for my first ever NBA game!!!
Love hugs kisses, I miss you always
Ashley
Today I am going to my second Brazilian Capoeria class. A friend of mine from bootcamp actually teaches Capoeria and gave me and a few other friends a one month voucher for free lessons / classes! I went last Thursday and 1. sustained a nasty blister 2. sweat / danced like a happy crazy fool 3. learned some Portuguese! I'm really trying to get out there and meet more people and also really trying to push myself as much as possible so I can report, proudly, next week's measure and weigh in. S, I am most enthused about tonight (this morning's workout was good but not great...always is less intense when learning new exercises...but hello phase II is going to be HARD!) and I hope to get better at the art of the dance fight and to socialize with and get to know some more people. I'm hoping for zero blisters this time...but even so, I survived last time...I'll push through again!
PS - Tomorrow, Cerrita and I are heading to Denver to see the Nuggets play the Trailblazers. SO excited for Denver AND for my first ever NBA game!!!
Love hugs kisses, I miss you always
Ashley
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Excellent Morning!
Dear Mom,
Today I had an excellent morning. Well, to be specific Tuesday Feb 21st was the morning of note. Here's the scoop. I went to my usual fit body bootcamp strength training at 9am. As of Tuesday, it had been 2 week since I was last weighed and measured. My new "stats" include a 7lb weight loss, 5" off my belly, 4" off my hips, 1.75" off my arms, and perhaps most exciting of all...a 5% body fat loss!!!
I'm very happy with these results! I've been feeling better and sleeping better with the exercise and the slight, but important tweaks to my usual eating habits. I'm even MORE dedicated now than before. I'm proud of my body, I know what I can do when I am disciplined, and I juuuust bought an adorable spring dress I am determined to look nice in by March. Cheer me on!
I love and miss you, keep watch over me (don't let me slack!)
-Ashley
Today I had an excellent morning. Well, to be specific Tuesday Feb 21st was the morning of note. Here's the scoop. I went to my usual fit body bootcamp strength training at 9am. As of Tuesday, it had been 2 week since I was last weighed and measured. My new "stats" include a 7lb weight loss, 5" off my belly, 4" off my hips, 1.75" off my arms, and perhaps most exciting of all...a 5% body fat loss!!!
I'm very happy with these results! I've been feeling better and sleeping better with the exercise and the slight, but important tweaks to my usual eating habits. I'm even MORE dedicated now than before. I'm proud of my body, I know what I can do when I am disciplined, and I juuuust bought an adorable spring dress I am determined to look nice in by March. Cheer me on!
I love and miss you, keep watch over me (don't let me slack!)
-Ashley
Faces of the Soup Kitchen
Dear Mom,
Today I (well Monday, to be honest) saw the many faces of the Soup Kitchen attendees. For the sake of time and organization, I'm going to focus / share only a few of the many.
"Church Ladies"
While within this group, if you will, there are many different types of people (and I am in no way type-casting women who go to church, merely talking about the ones I met) I met a particularly interesting brand. D and F were two women who had the "bussing/ helping people through the line" job as me and they had come to volunteer as a part of their church community. D and F had different work (or lack thereof,) ethics but the thing they shared in common was self-rigtheousness. Every time someone forgot to say thank you or please, I heard about how "ungrateful these people were." Other times I heard "No wonder they can get a job and are on the streets." Thankfully no one other than me heard these comments made in hushed tones.
Due to the fact that I did not know these women and I might run into them again while volunteering, I opted to simply nod and try to look interested. I never once concurred or returned with a comment. If I had done so I probably would have said something along the lines of "are you kidding me? What makes you think you know the back story, the real nitty gritty details, of each person who walks through here? You know they are here because they are poverty-stricken and that is the only thing you actually KNOW about them. You do not know if 1. they are having a rough day 2. if they are ill or their children are 3. the last time they spoke to or saw relatives. And, you, my Christian friend, dare to judge another so harshly after one encounter? Why are you here? To help others or to impress the others from your church group that you supposedly care?" I refrained, even when extremely difficult. I was there for one purpose: to serve others, not to straighten out self-righteous church ladies.
"Children"
This time around there were significantly less children who walked through the doors (could be good, could be not so good). Every time I see a child or even a teenager walk through the doors, my heart stops for a moment and I feel overwhelming sadness and anger. It may be idealistic, it may not be rooted in logic, but my opinion is that NO child deserves to go hungry or be homeless. Children don't get to choose the life and the families they are born into, adults make and made choices that affect their children. Bottom line: I want to hug and rescue and bestow all my knowledge and teachings and lessons and compassion on these youngsters each time I see them. These children motivate me to stay the course, get my CO teaching license and find a way to inspire and make real change for homeless, low-income, and disabled families with young children. I firmly believe that education is the key to helping society resolve some of its most pressing issues. We are only as strong, as a country, as our educated youth. The will take our experiences, their own life lessons, and make this world a better place if we teach them about real issues and teach with rigor and compassion.
"Workers," the "appreciative," and the "bitter" are coming in part two.
Ciao! love , hugs, miss youuuu
Today I (well Monday, to be honest) saw the many faces of the Soup Kitchen attendees. For the sake of time and organization, I'm going to focus / share only a few of the many.
"Church Ladies"
While within this group, if you will, there are many different types of people (and I am in no way type-casting women who go to church, merely talking about the ones I met) I met a particularly interesting brand. D and F were two women who had the "bussing/ helping people through the line" job as me and they had come to volunteer as a part of their church community. D and F had different work (or lack thereof,) ethics but the thing they shared in common was self-rigtheousness. Every time someone forgot to say thank you or please, I heard about how "ungrateful these people were." Other times I heard "No wonder they can get a job and are on the streets." Thankfully no one other than me heard these comments made in hushed tones.
Due to the fact that I did not know these women and I might run into them again while volunteering, I opted to simply nod and try to look interested. I never once concurred or returned with a comment. If I had done so I probably would have said something along the lines of "are you kidding me? What makes you think you know the back story, the real nitty gritty details, of each person who walks through here? You know they are here because they are poverty-stricken and that is the only thing you actually KNOW about them. You do not know if 1. they are having a rough day 2. if they are ill or their children are 3. the last time they spoke to or saw relatives. And, you, my Christian friend, dare to judge another so harshly after one encounter? Why are you here? To help others or to impress the others from your church group that you supposedly care?" I refrained, even when extremely difficult. I was there for one purpose: to serve others, not to straighten out self-righteous church ladies.
"Children"
This time around there were significantly less children who walked through the doors (could be good, could be not so good). Every time I see a child or even a teenager walk through the doors, my heart stops for a moment and I feel overwhelming sadness and anger. It may be idealistic, it may not be rooted in logic, but my opinion is that NO child deserves to go hungry or be homeless. Children don't get to choose the life and the families they are born into, adults make and made choices that affect their children. Bottom line: I want to hug and rescue and bestow all my knowledge and teachings and lessons and compassion on these youngsters each time I see them. These children motivate me to stay the course, get my CO teaching license and find a way to inspire and make real change for homeless, low-income, and disabled families with young children. I firmly believe that education is the key to helping society resolve some of its most pressing issues. We are only as strong, as a country, as our educated youth. The will take our experiences, their own life lessons, and make this world a better place if we teach them about real issues and teach with rigor and compassion.
"Workers," the "appreciative," and the "bitter" are coming in part two.
Ciao! love , hugs, miss youuuu
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Update: Lots of little, big things!
Dear Mom,
Today I am giving you an overdue update on a lot of little, big things going on.
1. As of today, I have stuck to and been extremely surprised at my happiness with a new nutrition plan. Yes, "nutrition plan" is what I am calling it because the word "diet" I associate with past failures and it also, generally speaking, stirs up negative emotions and connotations. Its really easy and that is perhaps what I love most about it! "Protein, Produce, Water" as my trainer said to summarize it one day and that phrase has stuck...unlike those pesky pounds! Lean meats, green and high nutrient veggies and lots of water (and my morning cup of black coffee) has been doing the trick. And, guess what?! I can eat as much as I need! Last night I wasn't so hungry but the night prior I had 4 oz of lean beef strips with steamed green beans and I was 1. full / content 2. happy to eat yummy foods 3. still following the "protein, produce, water" rule!
2. Strength Training is my newest love affair! If you've been doing cardio to loose weight or tone up. STOP. Do some research...if the screen is too bright or over the top and has an eerie infomercial feel...you're being sold an idea. Try focusing on strength training (not bulking up...relax) as your first priority at home or in the gym and you'll see and feel the results I've experienced. (Good ones, aside from first few days of soreness)
3. I'm volunteering at the Soup Kitchen next week (tried for today and Friday, but they had plenty of help already scheduled) on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Will report back on different managing styles, regulars, and anything else that unexpectedly stuns me again.
4. I really want to start my own small business. I've been doing some prelim research and I've signed up for a few free seminars for new start-ups. Keeping ideas to myself for the moment, not out of secrecy, but because they keep changing and i want to share something solid with you! Cerrita is hugely supportive and while I should have expected that, she always loves my "I want to end world hunger" type ideas, I was surprised. I think mostly because people generally are hesitant at the start of a business to support and endorse, but more than happy to support and endorse once the business is up and running rather successfully.
5. I miss NH and I miss my college friends a lot lately. I am doing so well that I think I miss everyone whom I've usually shared my joys and falls with in a general sense. So, hold me to these plans...well, kind of, $$ is a factor. 1. I want to see Liz and Trav in Portland / see the Pacific ocean by the end of Spring. 2. I want to head back to Marvell, Arkansas (where I taught) to see my students young and old, and my fellow staff one more time before the end of the school year 3. I want to show and share NH in the summer (before August, the humid, ouch! I'm stuck to my own skin month) with Cerrita...and she needs to see Boston and the Atlantic!
I miss you. I love you. Keep a watch over me.
All kinds of love!
Ashley
Today I am giving you an overdue update on a lot of little, big things going on.
1. As of today, I have stuck to and been extremely surprised at my happiness with a new nutrition plan. Yes, "nutrition plan" is what I am calling it because the word "diet" I associate with past failures and it also, generally speaking, stirs up negative emotions and connotations. Its really easy and that is perhaps what I love most about it! "Protein, Produce, Water" as my trainer said to summarize it one day and that phrase has stuck...unlike those pesky pounds! Lean meats, green and high nutrient veggies and lots of water (and my morning cup of black coffee) has been doing the trick. And, guess what?! I can eat as much as I need! Last night I wasn't so hungry but the night prior I had 4 oz of lean beef strips with steamed green beans and I was 1. full / content 2. happy to eat yummy foods 3. still following the "protein, produce, water" rule!
2. Strength Training is my newest love affair! If you've been doing cardio to loose weight or tone up. STOP. Do some research...if the screen is too bright or over the top and has an eerie infomercial feel...you're being sold an idea. Try focusing on strength training (not bulking up...relax) as your first priority at home or in the gym and you'll see and feel the results I've experienced. (Good ones, aside from first few days of soreness)
3. I'm volunteering at the Soup Kitchen next week (tried for today and Friday, but they had plenty of help already scheduled) on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Will report back on different managing styles, regulars, and anything else that unexpectedly stuns me again.
4. I really want to start my own small business. I've been doing some prelim research and I've signed up for a few free seminars for new start-ups. Keeping ideas to myself for the moment, not out of secrecy, but because they keep changing and i want to share something solid with you! Cerrita is hugely supportive and while I should have expected that, she always loves my "I want to end world hunger" type ideas, I was surprised. I think mostly because people generally are hesitant at the start of a business to support and endorse, but more than happy to support and endorse once the business is up and running rather successfully.
5. I miss NH and I miss my college friends a lot lately. I am doing so well that I think I miss everyone whom I've usually shared my joys and falls with in a general sense. So, hold me to these plans...well, kind of, $$ is a factor. 1. I want to see Liz and Trav in Portland / see the Pacific ocean by the end of Spring. 2. I want to head back to Marvell, Arkansas (where I taught) to see my students young and old, and my fellow staff one more time before the end of the school year 3. I want to show and share NH in the summer (before August, the humid, ouch! I'm stuck to my own skin month) with Cerrita...and she needs to see Boston and the Atlantic!
I miss you. I love you. Keep a watch over me.
All kinds of love!
Ashley
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Yesterday, I learned that every thing / one deserves a second look.
Dear Mom,
Yesterday, I learned that every thing and every person in my life often requires and deserves a second look. In my relationship, at the present, there is a bit of an underlying rough patch and in this rarest of cases...other "parties" are involved. Operating in my usual survival mode, I cut everyone out of my little "steel box" of a heart and holed up emotionally. For whatever reason, I decided to take a second and third look at ALL parties involved in this current rough patch and considered a few things: why they were involved? should they be involved? and how did I feel, not how should I feel, about the fact that my relationship rough patch has been impacted by people outside of the relationship. This surprisingly liberating thinking and self-awareness spree lead me to a healthy state of mind and a healthy emotional place as well.
Yesterday, I learned that if I do not take care of me, I cannot take care of, or attempt to take care of, the world and the people in it. I am often worrying about and helping even catering to others. I haven't been in in tip-top shape (have had this cold for a while...mostly limited chest congestion now though, its on its way out!) and that coupled with my emotional rocky road has left me, on the inside, in less than stellar condition. During my morning workout at bootcamp I had to simply let go and give into my own needs to heal. I went home took vitamins, medicine, and a nap. I then went about my day, per usual and landed on my thinking spree. Today has been a much better, more fulfilling, productive and brighter day. I've learned my lesson. I hope...
I miss you. I love you. Keep watch over me!
Love
Ashley
Yesterday, I learned that every thing and every person in my life often requires and deserves a second look. In my relationship, at the present, there is a bit of an underlying rough patch and in this rarest of cases...other "parties" are involved. Operating in my usual survival mode, I cut everyone out of my little "steel box" of a heart and holed up emotionally. For whatever reason, I decided to take a second and third look at ALL parties involved in this current rough patch and considered a few things: why they were involved? should they be involved? and how did I feel, not how should I feel, about the fact that my relationship rough patch has been impacted by people outside of the relationship. This surprisingly liberating thinking and self-awareness spree lead me to a healthy state of mind and a healthy emotional place as well.
Yesterday, I learned that if I do not take care of me, I cannot take care of, or attempt to take care of, the world and the people in it. I am often worrying about and helping even catering to others. I haven't been in in tip-top shape (have had this cold for a while...mostly limited chest congestion now though, its on its way out!) and that coupled with my emotional rocky road has left me, on the inside, in less than stellar condition. During my morning workout at bootcamp I had to simply let go and give into my own needs to heal. I went home took vitamins, medicine, and a nap. I then went about my day, per usual and landed on my thinking spree. Today has been a much better, more fulfilling, productive and brighter day. I've learned my lesson. I hope...
I miss you. I love you. Keep watch over me!
Love
Ashley
Thursday, February 2, 2012
I am going to "Rock My Jeans"
Dear Mom,
Today I went to the first meeting for the "Rock Your Jeans Challenge" at the fitness bootcamp I've now been attending for 1 month. The program is for 8 weeks and is created to help participants loose 2 Jeans sizes! Strict nutrition, fun constantly changing workouts, and a group atmosphere have me very excited and poised for success. I'll be sure to update with stats. I started at 208 a month ago and now I'm 197.0 and 32 cm smaller overall. I'd happily shed in inches / centimeters and loose weight slowly. I'm very happy with this decision!
I miss you. I love you. Wish me luck and be that supportive voice in my head!
Love,
Ashley
Today I went to the first meeting for the "Rock Your Jeans Challenge" at the fitness bootcamp I've now been attending for 1 month. The program is for 8 weeks and is created to help participants loose 2 Jeans sizes! Strict nutrition, fun constantly changing workouts, and a group atmosphere have me very excited and poised for success. I'll be sure to update with stats. I started at 208 a month ago and now I'm 197.0 and 32 cm smaller overall. I'd happily shed in inches / centimeters and loose weight slowly. I'm very happy with this decision!
I miss you. I love you. Wish me luck and be that supportive voice in my head!
Love,
Ashley
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
An Odd Moment of Clarity and Peace.
Dear Mom,
Today I had an odd moment of peace and clarity while in the shower, where most of my "epiphanies" are born, and I wanted to share it with you because, well, it is directly related to you. Instead of skirting around this, I'll be short, concise, and simple.
I realized that I am in a place in my life that I always, somehow as a child, knew I was going to be. I always wanted to live in the mountains. I always wanted to be in a relationship that "felt like home" and was truly unconditional. I always wanted to be this happy and this proud of myself. I realized that while loosing you will forever remain the single most difficult thing I've ever had to cope (and am still coping) with in my life; loosing you helped me choose, from a very early age, what kind of person I wanted to be. I chose to be independent, strong, true to myself without compromise, and full of secret deep compassion for the world and everything that lives on it. I am not entirely sure, in fact, to be honest, I am fairly confident that I would not be so confident, self-aware, strong, or level-headed had you been in my life while I was growing up. Now, please...of course I wish I had you there every single day, but in your physical absence, I learned (and apparently turned out like you) even more because I always tuned in to my intuition, my memories, and the lessons I learned with you by my side. You've always been with me, and I hope I'm still with you. I like who I've grown to be and where I'm heading in this life (because I've accumulated all of the traits listed in your absence) and I hope you do too. Not knowing for sure will forever suck.
My clarity and my peace are simply this: Mom, alive or not you were, and are, everything I ever needed. This, while extremely difficult, was meant to be. One day I'll find out if I made you proud.
I miss you. I love you.
Love,
Ashley
Today I had an odd moment of peace and clarity while in the shower, where most of my "epiphanies" are born, and I wanted to share it with you because, well, it is directly related to you. Instead of skirting around this, I'll be short, concise, and simple.
I realized that I am in a place in my life that I always, somehow as a child, knew I was going to be. I always wanted to live in the mountains. I always wanted to be in a relationship that "felt like home" and was truly unconditional. I always wanted to be this happy and this proud of myself. I realized that while loosing you will forever remain the single most difficult thing I've ever had to cope (and am still coping) with in my life; loosing you helped me choose, from a very early age, what kind of person I wanted to be. I chose to be independent, strong, true to myself without compromise, and full of secret deep compassion for the world and everything that lives on it. I am not entirely sure, in fact, to be honest, I am fairly confident that I would not be so confident, self-aware, strong, or level-headed had you been in my life while I was growing up. Now, please...of course I wish I had you there every single day, but in your physical absence, I learned (and apparently turned out like you) even more because I always tuned in to my intuition, my memories, and the lessons I learned with you by my side. You've always been with me, and I hope I'm still with you. I like who I've grown to be and where I'm heading in this life (because I've accumulated all of the traits listed in your absence) and I hope you do too. Not knowing for sure will forever suck.
My clarity and my peace are simply this: Mom, alive or not you were, and are, everything I ever needed. This, while extremely difficult, was meant to be. One day I'll find out if I made you proud.
I miss you. I love you.
Love,
Ashley
Monday, January 30, 2012
I am sick.
Dear Mom,
Today I am sick. Cerrita has been sick for day days, and spent the yesterday intermittently loosing her stomach. Gross. Sorry, but still! She is a trooper and has somehow managed to get out of bed and work for 12+ hrs a day. This morning I must have sounded and looked how I felt because the instant that I hear my usual week day morning greeting (Cerrita is a goober and loves to wake me up with over the top nicknames like puddin', sunshine, buttercup, and the like because she knows how much I have mornings and would rather make me laugh / disarm any potential grumpiness) and I heard "oh, you've got it now" from my love. NOT AWESOME. So....my day has since proceeded as such:
Drive car back home after dropping off Cerrita. Forcing eyes awake and air in and out of lungs through any acceptable passage way. Sip coffee, watch weather, whine to Cerrita about how I am feeling. Take a blazing how shower (Cerrita's advice) and clear the above mentioned passageways only to feel light headed and not a bit better. Sleep until 8am. Put on sports bra and kicks and head to tri-weekly bootcamp. Worrying if I will make it there let alone make it through the 45 min workout. Sudden burst of energy as I finish some gum and water. (not olympic burst but still an "i'm a wake holy shit, let's do this" burst). I get through the work out! I feel ok leaving, not wiped, but damn near exhausted enough. I call Cerrita. update. She is still getting sick at work. Expects me to be happy it was only once. Not happy. I worry about her more than myself even when i've recently contracted her plague. Yes. this is a plague. No, mom, this is not over-dramatics from skating leaping into and infesting my real life :) OK a little. but aghhhhh. I can't help it.
My head feels like a ton of bricks, my jaw is sore, my lips are cracking from the Hey Arnold style breathing, and my body feels like a bruised Georgia peach all over. In an effort to to find some comfort 9while still sticking to my workout / diet regimen) I grabbed a popsicle from the freezer. I had purchased them for Cerrita the night prior when she was loosing everything and about ready to loose some major organs next. The flavor I grabbed without looking was root beer and I instantly, and aways, think of you. I still remember vividly the night before and the morning after my first ever major surgery for the removal of my tonsils and adenoids. I was 3. You were an RN. It was two days before christmas. You couldn't watch them stick me with the needle for my fluids because you knew how much it hurt me. I couldn't let go of your hand. You became a nurse for second on top of being my mom and talked me through the next part because this was the part where "Mom can't go through those doors, but I know the secret of what they do, so this is what is going to happen" and toldme about everything from sleeping gas, to how to help the doctors roll me onto the operating table and how the best patients keep a smile on even when they are scared. I did it all and I came out just fine. Save being quite sore. You were as worried as you'd be if i had just had heart surgery. You said I could have anything i wanted to make my throat feel better. I requested "root beer popsicles." On the ride home we stopped at the store. At home I opened my very own, all root beer flavored, box of popsicles. Ate one...maybe two. and feel asleep. Now that I'm 24, and not three, I'll have you know that you are STILL a very large part of my life, whether or not I choose to share these memories out loud. This one is a favorite. We were both pretty cute, charming, and sweet.
I miss you. I love you. Keep an eye one me.
Love,
Ashley
Today I am sick. Cerrita has been sick for day days, and spent the yesterday intermittently loosing her stomach. Gross. Sorry, but still! She is a trooper and has somehow managed to get out of bed and work for 12+ hrs a day. This morning I must have sounded and looked how I felt because the instant that I hear my usual week day morning greeting (Cerrita is a goober and loves to wake me up with over the top nicknames like puddin', sunshine, buttercup, and the like because she knows how much I have mornings and would rather make me laugh / disarm any potential grumpiness) and I heard "oh, you've got it now" from my love. NOT AWESOME. So....my day has since proceeded as such:
Drive car back home after dropping off Cerrita. Forcing eyes awake and air in and out of lungs through any acceptable passage way. Sip coffee, watch weather, whine to Cerrita about how I am feeling. Take a blazing how shower (Cerrita's advice) and clear the above mentioned passageways only to feel light headed and not a bit better. Sleep until 8am. Put on sports bra and kicks and head to tri-weekly bootcamp. Worrying if I will make it there let alone make it through the 45 min workout. Sudden burst of energy as I finish some gum and water. (not olympic burst but still an "i'm a wake holy shit, let's do this" burst). I get through the work out! I feel ok leaving, not wiped, but damn near exhausted enough. I call Cerrita. update. She is still getting sick at work. Expects me to be happy it was only once. Not happy. I worry about her more than myself even when i've recently contracted her plague. Yes. this is a plague. No, mom, this is not over-dramatics from skating leaping into and infesting my real life :) OK a little. but aghhhhh. I can't help it.
My head feels like a ton of bricks, my jaw is sore, my lips are cracking from the Hey Arnold style breathing, and my body feels like a bruised Georgia peach all over. In an effort to to find some comfort 9while still sticking to my workout / diet regimen) I grabbed a popsicle from the freezer. I had purchased them for Cerrita the night prior when she was loosing everything and about ready to loose some major organs next. The flavor I grabbed without looking was root beer and I instantly, and aways, think of you. I still remember vividly the night before and the morning after my first ever major surgery for the removal of my tonsils and adenoids. I was 3. You were an RN. It was two days before christmas. You couldn't watch them stick me with the needle for my fluids because you knew how much it hurt me. I couldn't let go of your hand. You became a nurse for second on top of being my mom and talked me through the next part because this was the part where "Mom can't go through those doors, but I know the secret of what they do, so this is what is going to happen" and toldme about everything from sleeping gas, to how to help the doctors roll me onto the operating table and how the best patients keep a smile on even when they are scared. I did it all and I came out just fine. Save being quite sore. You were as worried as you'd be if i had just had heart surgery. You said I could have anything i wanted to make my throat feel better. I requested "root beer popsicles." On the ride home we stopped at the store. At home I opened my very own, all root beer flavored, box of popsicles. Ate one...maybe two. and feel asleep. Now that I'm 24, and not three, I'll have you know that you are STILL a very large part of my life, whether or not I choose to share these memories out loud. This one is a favorite. We were both pretty cute, charming, and sweet.
I miss you. I love you. Keep an eye one me.
Love,
Ashley
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