Continued...

My own strength has impressed me recently in the face of the seemingly never ending aftermath of the worst breakup of all time. I would honestly, love to do and say a number of things about her...but for the sake of trying to maintain some grace and also not being arrested, I will say that Cerrita did plenty of damage. I'm recovering, most of it is "on paper" things like bills and whatnot, but the rest...eh, I really feel like I have the tools and the support and the right frame of mind to see her and see myself...and grow. In this life I've become good at getting the shit kicked out of me and getting the fuck back up...why? Because I'm Ashley. I'm not craving a pity party, I'm stating facts. I am not a quitter, I am smart, I am creative and I am damn fucking determined to not let ANYONE bring me down. And, that includes me...

Which leads me finally to #3. On thursday evening I was watching something on hulu after work. I couldn't sleep so naturally I made tea, played mahjong while listening to some mellow music and then...instead of falling asleep, that inner and outer peace had be burst into tears. I have no idea how, who, what, when, where, or why this happened but it did. I cried and realized I had to listen to it. As I listened deeply to understand where this pain was being released from I was given both an answer and huge personal epiphany. I have a major abandonment issue. I cling a little more to love, relationships, and friends than I should (whether they know it or not is separate, I just cling within my own emotions) and it is because of the little girl inside me. The little girl inside me doesn't understand the pain, the illness, the struggle, and whole package of events and factors that lead to my mother committing suicide. The little girl only understands and feels that she loved someone so dearly and then she was left alone without her. Adult Ashley knows and understands and accepts all of these things, but hasn't yet taken time to help little Ashley heal and understand all of the hurt on a more basic, but deeply ingrained level. Little Ashley would have had a bad mother around everyday if she could, than have had an amazing mother for only a few years. So, she clings to everyone, everything that she loves for fear of feeling that abandonment deep in her little heart again. Adult Ashley now has to make sure she keeps taking steps to acknowledge little Ashley's pain, although "old" still valid, and make sure that she makes choices that are smart and not just emotional / fearful.

When I finally sorted this out, I realized that I am so fucking strong and this is a huge empowering realization. I need to use this to help me be the best me and grow and be aware as much as possible. But every night when I go to sleep, I now know that I am not an abandoned little girl, I felt like one, I don't have to put up with bullshit just because I'm afraid to loose out and feel abandoned, I am strong, self-aware, and constantly striving to be a valuable, compassionate (with myself and others), fierce member of this world.