Now I Understand the Intro Song to Friends

Dear Mom,

Today, I realized that I can now fully, or more than before this July, appreciate the lyric "I'll be there for you, even if its not your day, your month, or even your year" from the intro song for the 90's show "Friends." All I can say is...well, fuck. July.
Epic wildfires, 12 day Hospital stays, and a movie theather shooting. WTF is with this month?! It has definitely NOT been my day, week or month...please god, yahweh, buddha, higher cosmic powers that be...don't let it extend to a year!

Colorado, and most of the West, has burned (and continues to burn in some areas) some of the greatest wildfires in ten years. In my new home, Colorado Springs, there was the greatest fire the state had seen this year and in the past ten years since the Hamen fire. I literally drove along I-25 and watch flames licking at the sky from the hillside. One hundred foot tall flames. The hillside I've recently hiked. The hillside where a co-worker lives. The city looked like the lovechild of Armageddeon and a military coup. Helicopters, planes, police, national guard, firefighters, state troopers, the Governor and mayor, national forest service personnel--all of these people came to be the only familiar and only comforting faces on tv, in public, on streets, and over the radio. Smoke blotted out the sun--even changed the weather pattern originally coming in pre-fire for the city--and served as a constant and stark reminder of the serisouness of the blazing hillside and ever changing wind gusts. The blaze started in June and lasted into early July. Days felt like months, weeks felt like years...but my new home pulled together, supported residents, firefighters, and volunteer groups and individuals with warmth, compassion, donations of time, money, food and shelter for pets and people. everyone was weary and stressed, but truly held onto hope and positivity. I am so proud to have a such a strong community surrounding me.

Mid way through July...Cerrita calls me from work and informs that she doesn't have the heartburn we thought she had this morning at 4 am, rather it is quite serious, what it is she doesn't know, but her boss is driving her to the ER and she will call me from there or have him call me. The nurse she spoke to via Ask-A-Nurse said it sounded like classic symptoms for a heart attack. Eff! my love! Panic sweeps over my inside3s while my outsides struggle to keep the smile glowing and the goosebumps from growing at work. NUmerous calls to and from co worker/friends and her boss and I finally coulsn't take it and leaft work early to be with her. i want information from the docs mouth into my ears. I am thankful to her friends and boss for not letting her be alone during that scary time, but I needed to be there for her and well frankly, for myself, too.

The ER docs and techs and RNs etc couldn't figure out what was wrong, but knew something major was going on because of the X-Rays. The issue quickyl became not if or what the problem was but, why and how it got there to begin with and so suddenly. Well, after 12 days, 2 ct scans, a scope of her esophagus, numerous chest x-rays, some barium swallow tests, and a boat load of bloodwork the red cross would be impressed by....a diagnosis. I am not going to reveal the name or even the nature. I will simply say that we are changing our lives a lot and living and learning, in a VERY healthy way, as we go through each day. I'll tell you, and it brings tears of joy, pain, stress, and love to my eyes as I think about it...12 days and about 6-8 of them in a state of silent fear and panic that the love of your life will remain a medical mystery to 6 VERY qualified doctors is a bonding experience of a lifetime. We leraned a lot about needs, affection, true compassion, and above all unconditional love. I am very anxious, very hopeful, but above all very proud of my girl and myself for getting through the roughest part of it all. Steady progress has been made since leaving the hospital only a few days ago.

Aurora, CO...I don't even know where to begin, other than what a slap in the face after already having an open wound personally. I love my new state (I miss my original one, often) and was in shock to hear yet another "record breaking news story" come blaring over the radio and television that fateful Friday. I haven't yet taken the time to form an opinion about the whole thing other than the fact that I am still firmly anti-violence...so much so that I may become a buddhist. Not really...well not yet at least.

I still hope to go back to teaching, there is no way it will or can work out for this fall--perhaps for the spring--but i now know my city, my state, and my self a lot better and will...I WILL...attack and become a gainfully employed teacher in 2013. Cerrita's health is a priority at the moment and I don't really mind living life a day at a time. Yes, I want to make changes in the world, help people, better myself and be challenged and passionate about a cause. For now...my cause is my personal life, and, isn't successfully living each day with a loved one a great enough cause? I think so. So i'm doing it...until I have time and energy for another cause.


All my love and as much as ever, I really miss you Mom...holy cow do I appreciate good RNs EVEN MORE now ;)

Ashley

Back on track with myself after a few important/difficult/exciting/ happy/ not-so-happy/ but important months

Dear Mom, Today I realized that I haven't written since March! Today (well since this weekend) I've put myself back on track after a few _________(see the title) months. April and May were a clusterf*ck frankly of a lot of things coming together, ending, refreshing, etc. I flew to NH for my sister's birthday. I visited Rachel in NYC for a night of laughs and good food. My relationship hit an all time low...leading to my own personal strengths all time high. My relationship was set back on track with new terms, new happiness, new vigor, and a new clear focus and some cleaning was done in the process. I left the nanny job. I got a new job, and love it. I started working out regularly again. I co-coached my first synchronized skating team. I visited a friend while she visited the area for the Warrior Games. I bought some new books to read. I bought a blender. I gave away some old "fat" clothes. I re-fell-in-love with Colorado Springs, Cerrita, and myself. Oh! and I've officially become an adult-ish..fun story later :) Whew! See....i haven't been just lolly-gaggin' around...i've been doing some real visible and invisible growing and learning. Without going into too much annoying detail about each item listed, I'll do a basic recap of the "big'uns." My sister's birthday was very fun, and so was drinking at "sea level" again...I'm a tank again, but a two beer queer at high altitude :) I can't believe she is 21...every time she gets older I feel WAY older. Rachel is gorgeous as ever and I miss our college days together more often than I am willing to admit out loud. She da best! Skipping relationship for a mini moment. I left the nanny job for a "real" job that offered interaction with adults, professional dress codes, a stable schedule, and more money. The kids I was a nanny for were great, most days, and I learned a lot once again about my one day children (or nieces and nephews)and left for financial and regular scheduling reasons. I was honest, as always, with the them and told them i will always miss and think of them and hope to run into them from time to time. I love the new job as a receptionist at a dental office in the area. I have made a few work friends, I have lots of independence, and i have already impressed the pants of all the doctors. Win for me! This job allows for more money and a regular schedule...so I've been able to catch up on my application for the ALT teaching license endorsement for Colorado. I want to start teaching in August, but life happens and I won't beat myself up for that, so if I start in january...success will still be mine :) I'm back on track with my health and nutrition and determined to reach my goal by Christmas! This just my be the first time I reach a NYE resolution. This is the second to last week with the synchronized figure skating team (its not a private team, rather one sponosred by the local Learn to Skate program) and I am so proud and a bit sad to have this experience come to a close. Those girls are awesome and a breath of fresh air every Thursday night! New books have yet to be completed. blender = smoothies all the time...margaritas coming soon. And...I have become more of an adult recently as I noticed a peculiar reaction to something I saw one night. One night while driving home, I saw a few teenagers crossing the road. It appeared at first as if they were acting like apes crossing the road, but upon closer approach I realized they were placing some sort of basic pop-explosive (the things you throw at the ground and they pop and smoke I guessed) and that is why they looked so odd while crossing the road. At the same time i realized exactly what they were doing I noticed that cars were swerving around the objects in the road and traffic was beginning to build up in that lane. *Note* I live on a street shared with the back entrance to a hospital that is primarily used for its ER and the elderly in town. Immediately, I am irritated and upset by these teens. I think to myself, I am going to call the cops if this doesn't come to an end in the next five minutes--it did. My mind raced with the dangerous possibilities of this juvenile prank and suddenly I stopped...and realized that I was officially an adult. This was no longer amusing, I no longer wanted to "one up" them with my own creative prank, and...i was ready and willing to take action. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me...it felt huge. I am an adult. Youth has not quite left me, but adulthood keeps bringing in more luggage and plans to stay for the long haul. Finally, on falling in love and have lot to share but only a few words. I love Colorado Springs again after visiting the top of Pikes Peak via the Cog Railway. Its awesome. Visit. Do it! I also love that I've learned the area so well in my time here and feel like I really and truly live here and am not "new" anymore. Cerrita and I had a real rough patch. Enough said. Out of that patch came a lot of honest conversations and some real growth for the two f us in our relationship. I've noticed a huge positive change in her, which is not at all superficial, and it has made all the difference for the two of us. We are making each other better again and we are growing and loving and laughing and enjoying each other. Rough patches are sometimes necessary if you recognize them as teaching moments. I am again happy and madly in love with her. And, I'm in love with myself all over again. I hit a bit of a slump (part of the rough patch's roots)and the new job, the positive turn in our relationship, returning to the gym, and taking regular positive "Me time" to accomplish things and relax has let me almost rediscover myself :) So Momma, I'm doing alright. i'm sorry I fell of the radar, but thank got I'm a Capricorn and us goats, we're no strangers to climbing back to the top from time to time! I miss you. I love you...please do something about the hail here ;) Love, ME

Meeting New People

Dear Mom,

Today I am grateful that I am sometimes (not all the time) brave enough to let myself out of my comfort zone and befriend some VERy different but VERY amazing new people. I just had a 45 min conversation with a new friend in the area. I felt proud that I am teaching her as much as she is teaching me...we both laugh a lot together...and that we both seem to be wild and crazy / mature and reasonable/responsible in our own ways. Good friends are hard to come by...in fact to quote my favorite modern poet Stacyann Chin "Perseverance is the stuff of which good, friends, food, and sex is made of"

Love and hugs and kisses :)

Miss you always

Ashley

Parker

Dear Mom,

Today I realized that I have yet to share Parker with you! Parker is our brand new (well he is 7 weeks approx. now and we got him around 5 weeks) Yorkiepoo puppy! He is a mix of yorkshire terrier and teacup poodle. He is TINY! I took him to the vet on Monday and he weighs 2.2 lb....he might hit 4 lb. by the time he is fully grown. He has curly hair that is black with a yellow/ tan tummy, "eye shadow," and paws. Parker's ears are floppy and pointed in a triangle shape and his face is wide and short, but he has the biggest black eyes ever!

He has personality that is something out of this world...and he is so smart! I'm fairly certain he is a mix of a bunny, a cat, a tight rope walker, a bear, and a track star. He hops on all fours when excited or playing with some of his toys, he meows...seriously meows on occasion and uses his front paws so gently when testing if a new toy or treat is safe, he walks on his hind legs very easily and for extended periods of time, he growls a big bear/ dog growl when playing tug that is impressive for a 2.2 lb. dog, and he runs full speed and keeps up with my jog pace!

It is safe to say that I am madly in love with Parker. In the first week we had him he was malnourished, couldn't sleep through the night, and was extremely skiddish around everything. Now, he sleeps through the night on his blanket at the foot of the bed on the floor, he eats on his own (no longer one piece at a time from my hand), he's gained some healthy weight and he greets us at the door when we come home.

Two mornings ago Cerrita realized he had learned the basics of fetch and loves it! If only we could get him to consistently follow his potty training rules... Anyway, pictures soon :)

I love and miss you...keep sending sunshine my way!

Love Ashley

Capoeria!

Dear Mom,

Today I am going to my second Brazilian Capoeria class. A friend of mine from bootcamp actually teaches Capoeria and gave me and a few other friends a one month voucher for free lessons / classes! I went last Thursday and 1. sustained a nasty blister 2. sweat / danced like a happy crazy fool 3. learned some Portuguese! I'm really trying to get out there and meet more people and also really trying to push myself as much as possible so I can report, proudly, next week's measure and weigh in. S, I am most enthused about tonight (this morning's workout was good but not great...always is less intense when learning new exercises...but hello phase II is going to be HARD!) and I hope to get better at the art of the dance fight and to socialize with and get to know some more people. I'm hoping for zero blisters this time...but even so, I survived last time...I'll push through again!

PS - Tomorrow, Cerrita and I are heading to Denver to see the Nuggets play the Trailblazers. SO excited for Denver AND for my first ever NBA game!!!

Love hugs kisses, I miss you always

Ashley

Excellent Morning!

Dear Mom,

Today I had an excellent morning. Well, to be specific Tuesday Feb 21st was the morning of note. Here's the scoop. I went to my usual fit body bootcamp strength training at 9am. As of Tuesday, it had been 2 week since I was last weighed and measured. My new "stats" include a 7lb weight loss, 5" off my belly, 4" off my hips, 1.75" off my arms, and perhaps most exciting of all...a 5% body fat loss!!!

I'm very happy with these results! I've been feeling better and sleeping better with the exercise and the slight, but important tweaks to my usual eating habits. I'm even MORE dedicated now than before. I'm proud of my body, I know what I can do when I am disciplined, and I juuuust bought an adorable spring dress I am determined to look nice in by March. Cheer me on!

I love and miss you, keep watch over me (don't let me slack!)

-Ashley

Faces of the Soup Kitchen

Dear Mom,

Today I (well Monday, to be honest) saw the many faces of the Soup Kitchen attendees. For the sake of time and organization, I'm going to focus / share only a few of the many.

"Church Ladies"
While within this group, if you will, there are many different types of people (and I am in no way type-casting women who go to church, merely talking about the ones I met) I met a particularly interesting brand. D and F were two women who had the "bussing/ helping people through the line" job as me and they had come to volunteer as a part of their church community. D and F had different work (or lack thereof,) ethics but the thing they shared in common was self-rigtheousness. Every time someone forgot to say thank you or please, I heard about how "ungrateful these people were." Other times I heard "No wonder they can get a job and are on the streets." Thankfully no one other than me heard these comments made in hushed tones.

Due to the fact that I did not know these women and I might run into them again while volunteering, I opted to simply nod and try to look interested. I never once concurred or returned with a comment. If I had done so I probably would have said something along the lines of "are you kidding me? What makes you think you know the back story, the real nitty gritty details, of each person who walks through here? You know they are here because they are poverty-stricken and that is the only thing you actually KNOW about them. You do not know if 1. they are having a rough day 2. if they are ill or their children are 3. the last time they spoke to or saw relatives. And, you, my Christian friend, dare to judge another so harshly after one encounter? Why are you here? To help others or to impress the others from your church group that you supposedly care?" I refrained, even when extremely difficult. I was there for one purpose: to serve others, not to straighten out self-righteous church ladies.

"Children"
This time around there were significantly less children who walked through the doors (could be good, could be not so good). Every time I see a child or even a teenager walk through the doors, my heart stops for a moment and I feel overwhelming sadness and anger. It may be idealistic, it may not be rooted in logic, but my opinion is that NO child deserves to go hungry or be homeless. Children don't get to choose the life and the families they are born into, adults make and made choices that affect their children. Bottom line: I want to hug and rescue and bestow all my knowledge and teachings and lessons and compassion on these youngsters each time I see them. These children motivate me to stay the course, get my CO teaching license and find a way to inspire and make real change for homeless, low-income, and disabled families with young children. I firmly believe that education is the key to helping society resolve some of its most pressing issues. We are only as strong, as a country, as our educated youth. The will take our experiences, their own life lessons, and make this world a better place if we teach them about real issues and teach with rigor and compassion.

"Workers," the "appreciative," and the "bitter" are coming in part two.

Ciao! love , hugs, miss youuuu