Ok....next installation will focus on # 2

Before, landing my new job I wasn't in the prettiest of places. I will admit that I made some bad choices and put myself in a position that was not that great. I've now learned that "you don't have a job until you'd signed the I-9" will forever be my mantra when job hopping / searching. As you can probably tell, i was jobless prematurely and found myself scrambling. I am not a quitter. I worked my ass off trying to find a new job and I did...however, it took a while. During the "while" period, I called a close friend or two and cried and vented and felt ashamed, but then I felt strong, brave, wiser, and loved. My friends that I was living with gave me emotional support and cheered me on and commiserated when interviews fell flat. I have a few VERY true, amazing, loving, supportive, intuitive friends out here in this lovely new state. Without the support of these friends I would have undoubtedly survived...but would have been a blubbering mess every moment I wasn't "faking it to make it" at work / interviews. These people have helped me realize that the value of good friends and just plain quality people in your life is not measurable. Value is the wrong word, in fact, importance feels better here. The importance of these kinds of rare gems in my life is of the utmost.

I try to be the best person and the best friend I can be in return. I cannot give much, but a true, honest, compassionate heart goes a long way sometimes! I am thankful for my friends on the East Coast that I can call, talk to for an hour, and feel like its been 5 minutes since we last saw each other /spoke. I am SO very gratful that my sister is a friend and I can call and cry to, laugh with, vent, scream, or be scared in front of any time life requires it.  My college friends and my TFA friends are still some of my favorite people to catch up with and share memories and updates with, but these people here in Colorado have earned a permanent place in my heart and in my life...good luck getting rid of me :) I'm going to love y'all to bits forever!

I've noticed through the years that many people like to say "friends are family" or  "my family is my group of friends" or something along those lines. I beg to differ. My friends are not more important than family, but definitely different.  They are highly important, privy to some serious skeletons and secrets, loving beyond measure, often unconditionally, and still a challenge in the best of ways. The Greeks were right, three kinds of separate, different, and important loves and all are equal. The love of friends and love for friends is something I've been graced with throughout my life, but recently I am especially thankful for these Coloradans!

New City, New Lessons, New Outlook

Dear Mom,

Today I...well, today I want to do several things but I think I'll only skim the surface to give myself a framework to work from. I don't want to miss a thing and there is quite a lot I need to catch you up on in my life.

I've learned a lot since I last wrote (even though we speak more often than I write, I feel better covering it all for good measure) and here is my little self organizing list / teaser in no particular order.

1. My own strength
2. The value of good friends / quality people
3. Abandonment
4. My professional self
5. Bravery

I'm going to start with #4...

I absolutely love my job at Il Vicino. It is not my dream job, but it makes me very happy and I feel good going to and leaving from work each an every day. That in itself is a very impressive, important, and rare thing (at least for me in recent years) and I cherish this fact.

I have an amazing set of co managers and together we are all constantly striving to do better, help each other catch minor mistakes and do even better again, and keep the restaurant a thriving, prosperous, fun place to be and work. The level of friendship and professionalism that is always present astounds me when i sit back and think about it. I trust these women, I admire these women, and I'm happy to work with them. I am getting better as a manager and as a professional each week that passes. Additionally, I really love the fact that the owners are so involved. I know 2 of the three and have had meaningful conversations with them. They are real people, with real passion, and a real vision that they've realized and keep pushing forward for bigger and better new horizons. I can't wait to be that to my set of managers and staff one day!

Since starting my post, I've also learned that I have a great capacity for putting people at ease in difficult situations. I'm not entirely sure where it comes from but I've noticed that I am able to see immediately to the root of problems and fix that, not the symptoms. At the end of the day people want to feel like they were important, cared about, and welcome...things should feel easy. When they don't = problems. Guest and staff...this is true of all.  I've also learned that I still LOVE TO LEARN and am always asking and reading and trying things to make myself better. I want to streamline my skills, my thinking, my actions...everything! so that I look and feel as though I'm in control, calm, friendly, and assertive. Each day I really try to get better at something...I'm hoping to look back in January (after my first 6 months) and see a real trend of growth and development.

Next number, tomorrow evening!

Dear Mom,

      Today, I...am finally ready to write and share all that I need to with you. I've learned several hard lessons recently, but I'm thankful for them. Not jumping fo rjoy, due to the weariness that remains, but still my soul and heart are happy that I'm definitely heading on a path that feels right. I don't have to convince myself, let alone anyone else, that its the right one.

I've become excruciatingly self-aware of myself in a few respects. I recently (3 or so months ago) ended things with Cerrita. The relationship was becoming toxic to us both, but i can only speak for myself and will do just that. I wasn't the same me, I was a lesser quality version of myself, and I didn't even realize it for a while. I stopped being happy and was angry and frustrated and tired and loathing and uninterested far more than I had been earlier in the relationship. I knew something was off and wasn't easily fixable. I wasn't and still don't feel like I could be a quality half to anyone's whole...so I ended things. I now understand the true meaning of the hardest thing and the right thing are often one in the same.
During a few of the nastier arguments at the end of the road, I learned that no matter my own childhood experiences, no matter how hot my blood boils, no matter how fucking badly i want to slap the shit (or worse) out of anyone...when push literally comes to shove...i will rise above and not cave to brief temptations or weaknesses only to hate myself for breaking my values later. I'm quite proud of this, although frankly it SUCKS to have learned that I can count on my heart and head always being strong in such a shitty situation.
I'd like to note that Cerrita and I are finally in a place where we are friends and speak daily and are sharing Parker for the time being. Things are going well. I did love her, and genuinely, so i don't understand how i could treat her like I never cared and felt that for her at one time in my life. I've also never been able to honestly and genuinely do this with any of my other exes. i'm deeply sorry for this, but I'm also grateful that I've finally learned this lesson in my life's journey. I don't wish maliciousness or evil or anything but good, wholly and truly for Cerrita.

Switching gears a little bit...i've recently learned quite a bit about the value of doing a good fucking job everyday. Parker teaches me to laugh and be spontaneous and loving and carefree...but some of his and my own bad habits have surfaced! I need to be a better and firmer "pack leader" so his little smart self doesn't pull tricks or misbehave nearly as often as i've allowed him. I'm actively bettering my training skills and more importantly my consistency. He is a gem or a creature and is resistant, but is also responding so very well.  He would for sure be an honor roll dog...just sayin!

Lastly, fun job updates!
I was hired at my job as a cashier and it was my second job at the time...they liked me, my work ethic and wanted me to work more hours for their restaurant...so began negotiations...momma didn't raise no fool! I quickly got a good deal out of them and worked my little tail off so that I was getting 40 hours a week. I put in my notice at my other job and committed to the restaurant (after all when i first moved here I thought about opening my own restaurant...that was my real business idea ;) and i am still thinking about a food cart/truck!) Back to my story! from cashier I became a FOH shift supervisor, and now I'm the catering Manager....BOOM HARD WORK ALWAYS WINS. There may be others more experienced in the restaurant industry, there may be others with catering experience...but I got the post because I care about 2 things and 2 things only. 1. THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS GETS THE EBST VERSION OF YOU AND YOUR PRODUCT...and do whatever you can to ensure that 100% of the time. and 2. EVERY MOMENT YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD...YOUR COMPETITION IS...so always be giving your best. not  THE best...YOUR best.

I love my catering post. It might turn into another promotion...it might not. I'm happy for the time being and i'm soaking in all teh experience and lessons and tips etc I can for my own gig one day!

i love and miss you like crazy. sorry we've only had brief hot tub chats recently. you're always in my heart and in my flesh (literally!) pushing me along and picking me up when I need it...backbone was so damn appropriate for that tattoo ;)

I LOVE YOU!
-Ashley

New post coming soon. Life updates.

Lessons learned.
Self-Awareness.
True compassion for others...even when it hurts like motherfackah
Fun job updates :)

Fortune's Wheel

Dear Mom,

         Today I am going to write about some of the lessons, self reflections, and other odd topics on my mind since the last post/rant. I have learned that Fortune's Wheel sometimes turns extremely slowly and that everyone, yes everyone, has their time at the very bottom and the very top of that big bad boy. Patiently waiting for the Wheel to budge and pull you upward again is the hardest, but most crucial feat to accomplish. (*Note: I am not saying that life is all about things happening to you, I work and I work hard alllll the time, but sometimes you just can't "win" no matter how hard you work/ much effort is put forth) Once you can truly and honestly learn to accept what you cannot change and somehow find enough peace to sleep at night and find pleasurable moments in your day, then you have accomplished the feat I am making reference to above. So, what has happened now that I'm no longer dragging my toes along the gritty bottom of the Wheel, you ask? A few things!
        First and foremost, Cerrita's health is on the up turn. Fewer medications, restless nights, pain has greatly decreased, and docs and nurses have been amazing since we learned a little more about the medical field, ranks, and insurance regulations, etc. I am truly thankful to our local pharmacist who answered at least 5-10 questions per visit for Cerrita and I, and I am also most thankful to her primary care Doctor ...she is smart, organized, creative, and easy to relate to...holy did we get lucky!
       Second, I found a second job after looking and applying and interviewing diligently for about 2 months. I work at a great deli (it is a Franchise chain is all I will say on here) and am really loving it.**
Cerrita found a new, better, less-stressful, job and is slowly but surely jumping back into "the world" after her body went through a lot and the previous job as a service advisor at that specific location was not working out (for mind, soul OR body). She is killin' it and I am proud of her drive and desire to not only contribute to our household finances, but for her desire to accomplish something everyday and still be true to herself and her own needs. this balance has always been something that is difficult for her. I am by no means a master of this in my own universe, but I commend and appreciate her for her efforts and success in this area.
     Third, I have been loosing weight like a mad woman and not even trying. OK, I lied a little...I'm trying but not that hard. No i don't have a tape worm, no i am not starving myself, and no its not some starvation unsustainable "diet." I have taken up what is called The Paleo Diet. I don't call it a diet, I call it a nutrition change because that is truly what it is at its core. I did extensive reading on the logic and rationale behind this "diet" and you should too! Here is why: I eat more on a daily basis than I ever have, yes more; I have natural energy all day (and often work 14 hrs in a day between the two jobs ) and never crash; I feel good. I just feel like I've always wanted to feel...the way I've explained it to friends and to Cerrita is that I feel almost like each day I get a sense of "welcome to your life, have a great day" washes over me. Haha...too much time in the Mts makes me a hippie I guess. Oh well. Anyway. I no longer eat processed foods, dairy, or grains. I eat a TON of lean meats, veggies, fruits, some nuts here and there, and eggs from time to time. Water is the name of the game, but I still allow myself morning black coffee and 1 "non-Paleo" meal a week. I've dropped 6 lbs in a week BY EATING and EATING A LOT OF FOOD! I won't go on and on, I'll just say that I've learned about my body and food so...if you want to drop lbs or want to try a natural route to energy, read about Paleo, and give it a shot.


**I left those stars there so that I would remember to make a life note. Earlier in this blog I mentioned that I was thinking about opening my own restaurant in Colo. Spgs. I still would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do that someday, but a good friend suggested just getting any job at a restaurant and learning as much as possible. So even though I', working at a franchise chain, I'm learning the basics of the bizzz and loving it. I'm already being groomed for shift manager and will get the official title in a few days after I can prove that I know the ropes of management!!! Do I want to teach? yes. Am  going to pigeon-hole myself into one single career path when I've got this great opportunity in my hands and am already advancing up through the ranks? NO WAY. Right now I am working to pay off my own student loans, help with household finances, and to soak up as much info as possible about restaurants and good customer service in this new field. I am still getting all my teaching ducks in a row, but if it turns out that the restaurant track is for me...I'll probably pursue it. Test scores are good for 3-5 years. I can and will always be able to jump into teaching. I am extremely happy with this second job that is turning out to be so much more.

So there you have it...finally a "my life is looking up" post, my girl and I are doing all right, I am happy and less stressed once again and looking forward to the future. Lots of lessons, I can tell I'm getting older, hopefully wiser...possibly even sexier with age ;)

I love you and miss you and talk about you all the time.
Love always,

Ashley

Now I Understand the Intro Song to Friends

Dear Mom,

Today, I realized that I can now fully, or more than before this July, appreciate the lyric "I'll be there for you, even if its not your day, your month, or even your year" from the intro song for the 90's show "Friends." All I can say is...well, fuck. July.
Epic wildfires, 12 day Hospital stays, and a movie theather shooting. WTF is with this month?! It has definitely NOT been my day, week or month...please god, yahweh, buddha, higher cosmic powers that be...don't let it extend to a year!

Colorado, and most of the West, has burned (and continues to burn in some areas) some of the greatest wildfires in ten years. In my new home, Colorado Springs, there was the greatest fire the state had seen this year and in the past ten years since the Hamen fire. I literally drove along I-25 and watch flames licking at the sky from the hillside. One hundred foot tall flames. The hillside I've recently hiked. The hillside where a co-worker lives. The city looked like the lovechild of Armageddeon and a military coup. Helicopters, planes, police, national guard, firefighters, state troopers, the Governor and mayor, national forest service personnel--all of these people came to be the only familiar and only comforting faces on tv, in public, on streets, and over the radio. Smoke blotted out the sun--even changed the weather pattern originally coming in pre-fire for the city--and served as a constant and stark reminder of the serisouness of the blazing hillside and ever changing wind gusts. The blaze started in June and lasted into early July. Days felt like months, weeks felt like years...but my new home pulled together, supported residents, firefighters, and volunteer groups and individuals with warmth, compassion, donations of time, money, food and shelter for pets and people. everyone was weary and stressed, but truly held onto hope and positivity. I am so proud to have a such a strong community surrounding me.

Mid way through July...Cerrita calls me from work and informs that she doesn't have the heartburn we thought she had this morning at 4 am, rather it is quite serious, what it is she doesn't know, but her boss is driving her to the ER and she will call me from there or have him call me. The nurse she spoke to via Ask-A-Nurse said it sounded like classic symptoms for a heart attack. Eff! my love! Panic sweeps over my inside3s while my outsides struggle to keep the smile glowing and the goosebumps from growing at work. NUmerous calls to and from co worker/friends and her boss and I finally coulsn't take it and leaft work early to be with her. i want information from the docs mouth into my ears. I am thankful to her friends and boss for not letting her be alone during that scary time, but I needed to be there for her and well frankly, for myself, too.

The ER docs and techs and RNs etc couldn't figure out what was wrong, but knew something major was going on because of the X-Rays. The issue quickyl became not if or what the problem was but, why and how it got there to begin with and so suddenly. Well, after 12 days, 2 ct scans, a scope of her esophagus, numerous chest x-rays, some barium swallow tests, and a boat load of bloodwork the red cross would be impressed by....a diagnosis. I am not going to reveal the name or even the nature. I will simply say that we are changing our lives a lot and living and learning, in a VERY healthy way, as we go through each day. I'll tell you, and it brings tears of joy, pain, stress, and love to my eyes as I think about it...12 days and about 6-8 of them in a state of silent fear and panic that the love of your life will remain a medical mystery to 6 VERY qualified doctors is a bonding experience of a lifetime. We leraned a lot about needs, affection, true compassion, and above all unconditional love. I am very anxious, very hopeful, but above all very proud of my girl and myself for getting through the roughest part of it all. Steady progress has been made since leaving the hospital only a few days ago.

Aurora, CO...I don't even know where to begin, other than what a slap in the face after already having an open wound personally. I love my new state (I miss my original one, often) and was in shock to hear yet another "record breaking news story" come blaring over the radio and television that fateful Friday. I haven't yet taken the time to form an opinion about the whole thing other than the fact that I am still firmly anti-violence...so much so that I may become a buddhist. Not really...well not yet at least.

I still hope to go back to teaching, there is no way it will or can work out for this fall--perhaps for the spring--but i now know my city, my state, and my self a lot better and will...I WILL...attack and become a gainfully employed teacher in 2013. Cerrita's health is a priority at the moment and I don't really mind living life a day at a time. Yes, I want to make changes in the world, help people, better myself and be challenged and passionate about a cause. For now...my cause is my personal life, and, isn't successfully living each day with a loved one a great enough cause? I think so. So i'm doing it...until I have time and energy for another cause.


All my love and as much as ever, I really miss you Mom...holy cow do I appreciate good RNs EVEN MORE now ;)

Ashley

Back on track with myself after a few important/difficult/exciting/ happy/ not-so-happy/ but important months

Dear Mom, Today I realized that I haven't written since March! Today (well since this weekend) I've put myself back on track after a few _________(see the title) months. April and May were a clusterf*ck frankly of a lot of things coming together, ending, refreshing, etc. I flew to NH for my sister's birthday. I visited Rachel in NYC for a night of laughs and good food. My relationship hit an all time low...leading to my own personal strengths all time high. My relationship was set back on track with new terms, new happiness, new vigor, and a new clear focus and some cleaning was done in the process. I left the nanny job. I got a new job, and love it. I started working out regularly again. I co-coached my first synchronized skating team. I visited a friend while she visited the area for the Warrior Games. I bought some new books to read. I bought a blender. I gave away some old "fat" clothes. I re-fell-in-love with Colorado Springs, Cerrita, and myself. Oh! and I've officially become an adult-ish..fun story later :) Whew! See....i haven't been just lolly-gaggin' around...i've been doing some real visible and invisible growing and learning. Without going into too much annoying detail about each item listed, I'll do a basic recap of the "big'uns." My sister's birthday was very fun, and so was drinking at "sea level" again...I'm a tank again, but a two beer queer at high altitude :) I can't believe she is 21...every time she gets older I feel WAY older. Rachel is gorgeous as ever and I miss our college days together more often than I am willing to admit out loud. She da best! Skipping relationship for a mini moment. I left the nanny job for a "real" job that offered interaction with adults, professional dress codes, a stable schedule, and more money. The kids I was a nanny for were great, most days, and I learned a lot once again about my one day children (or nieces and nephews)and left for financial and regular scheduling reasons. I was honest, as always, with the them and told them i will always miss and think of them and hope to run into them from time to time. I love the new job as a receptionist at a dental office in the area. I have made a few work friends, I have lots of independence, and i have already impressed the pants of all the doctors. Win for me! This job allows for more money and a regular schedule...so I've been able to catch up on my application for the ALT teaching license endorsement for Colorado. I want to start teaching in August, but life happens and I won't beat myself up for that, so if I start in january...success will still be mine :) I'm back on track with my health and nutrition and determined to reach my goal by Christmas! This just my be the first time I reach a NYE resolution. This is the second to last week with the synchronized figure skating team (its not a private team, rather one sponosred by the local Learn to Skate program) and I am so proud and a bit sad to have this experience come to a close. Those girls are awesome and a breath of fresh air every Thursday night! New books have yet to be completed. blender = smoothies all the time...margaritas coming soon. And...I have become more of an adult recently as I noticed a peculiar reaction to something I saw one night. One night while driving home, I saw a few teenagers crossing the road. It appeared at first as if they were acting like apes crossing the road, but upon closer approach I realized they were placing some sort of basic pop-explosive (the things you throw at the ground and they pop and smoke I guessed) and that is why they looked so odd while crossing the road. At the same time i realized exactly what they were doing I noticed that cars were swerving around the objects in the road and traffic was beginning to build up in that lane. *Note* I live on a street shared with the back entrance to a hospital that is primarily used for its ER and the elderly in town. Immediately, I am irritated and upset by these teens. I think to myself, I am going to call the cops if this doesn't come to an end in the next five minutes--it did. My mind raced with the dangerous possibilities of this juvenile prank and suddenly I stopped...and realized that I was officially an adult. This was no longer amusing, I no longer wanted to "one up" them with my own creative prank, and...i was ready and willing to take action. This may not seem like a big deal, but to me...it felt huge. I am an adult. Youth has not quite left me, but adulthood keeps bringing in more luggage and plans to stay for the long haul. Finally, on falling in love and have lot to share but only a few words. I love Colorado Springs again after visiting the top of Pikes Peak via the Cog Railway. Its awesome. Visit. Do it! I also love that I've learned the area so well in my time here and feel like I really and truly live here and am not "new" anymore. Cerrita and I had a real rough patch. Enough said. Out of that patch came a lot of honest conversations and some real growth for the two f us in our relationship. I've noticed a huge positive change in her, which is not at all superficial, and it has made all the difference for the two of us. We are making each other better again and we are growing and loving and laughing and enjoying each other. Rough patches are sometimes necessary if you recognize them as teaching moments. I am again happy and madly in love with her. And, I'm in love with myself all over again. I hit a bit of a slump (part of the rough patch's roots)and the new job, the positive turn in our relationship, returning to the gym, and taking regular positive "Me time" to accomplish things and relax has let me almost rediscover myself :) So Momma, I'm doing alright. i'm sorry I fell of the radar, but thank got I'm a Capricorn and us goats, we're no strangers to climbing back to the top from time to time! I miss you. I love you...please do something about the hail here ;) Love, ME