Dear Mom,
Today, I...am finally ready to write and share all that I need to with you. I've learned several hard lessons recently, but I'm thankful for them. Not jumping fo rjoy, due to the weariness that remains, but still my soul and heart are happy that I'm definitely heading on a path that feels right. I don't have to convince myself, let alone anyone else, that its the right one.
I've become excruciatingly self-aware of myself in a few respects. I recently (3 or so months ago) ended things with Cerrita. The relationship was becoming toxic to us both, but i can only speak for myself and will do just that. I wasn't the same me, I was a lesser quality version of myself, and I didn't even realize it for a while. I stopped being happy and was angry and frustrated and tired and loathing and uninterested far more than I had been earlier in the relationship. I knew something was off and wasn't easily fixable. I wasn't and still don't feel like I could be a quality half to anyone's whole...so I ended things. I now understand the true meaning of the hardest thing and the right thing are often one in the same.
During a few of the nastier arguments at the end of the road, I learned that no matter my own childhood experiences, no matter how hot my blood boils, no matter how fucking badly i want to slap the shit (or worse) out of anyone...when push literally comes to shove...i will rise above and not cave to brief temptations or weaknesses only to hate myself for breaking my values later. I'm quite proud of this, although frankly it SUCKS to have learned that I can count on my heart and head always being strong in such a shitty situation.
I'd like to note that Cerrita and I are finally in a place where we are friends and speak daily and are sharing Parker for the time being. Things are going well. I did love her, and genuinely, so i don't understand how i could treat her like I never cared and felt that for her at one time in my life. I've also never been able to honestly and genuinely do this with any of my other exes. i'm deeply sorry for this, but I'm also grateful that I've finally learned this lesson in my life's journey. I don't wish maliciousness or evil or anything but good, wholly and truly for Cerrita.
Switching gears a little bit...i've recently learned quite a bit about the value of doing a good fucking job everyday. Parker teaches me to laugh and be spontaneous and loving and carefree...but some of his and my own bad habits have surfaced! I need to be a better and firmer "pack leader" so his little smart self doesn't pull tricks or misbehave nearly as often as i've allowed him. I'm actively bettering my training skills and more importantly my consistency. He is a gem or a creature and is resistant, but is also responding so very well. He would for sure be an honor roll dog...just sayin!
Lastly, fun job updates!
I was hired at my job as a cashier and it was my second job at the time...they liked me, my work ethic and wanted me to work more hours for their restaurant...so began negotiations...momma didn't raise no fool! I quickly got a good deal out of them and worked my little tail off so that I was getting 40 hours a week. I put in my notice at my other job and committed to the restaurant (after all when i first moved here I thought about opening my own restaurant...that was my real business idea ;) and i am still thinking about a food cart/truck!) Back to my story! from cashier I became a FOH shift supervisor, and now I'm the catering Manager....BOOM HARD WORK ALWAYS WINS. There may be others more experienced in the restaurant industry, there may be others with catering experience...but I got the post because I care about 2 things and 2 things only. 1. THE CUSTOMER ALWAYS GETS THE EBST VERSION OF YOU AND YOUR PRODUCT...and do whatever you can to ensure that 100% of the time. and 2. EVERY MOMENT YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD...YOUR COMPETITION IS...so always be giving your best. not THE best...YOUR best.
I love my catering post. It might turn into another promotion...it might not. I'm happy for the time being and i'm soaking in all teh experience and lessons and tips etc I can for my own gig one day!
i love and miss you like crazy. sorry we've only had brief hot tub chats recently. you're always in my heart and in my flesh (literally!) pushing me along and picking me up when I need it...backbone was so damn appropriate for that tattoo ;)
I LOVE YOU!
-Ashley
