Dear Mom,
Today, I realized that I can now fully, or more than before this July, appreciate the lyric "I'll be there for you, even if its not your day, your month, or even your year" from the intro song for the 90's show "Friends." All I can say is...well, fuck. July.
Epic wildfires, 12 day Hospital stays, and a movie theather shooting. WTF is with this month?! It has definitely NOT been my day, week or month...please god, yahweh, buddha, higher cosmic powers that be...don't let it extend to a year!
Colorado, and most of the West, has burned (and continues to burn in some areas) some of the greatest wildfires in ten years. In my new home, Colorado Springs, there was the greatest fire the state had seen this year and in the past ten years since the Hamen fire. I literally drove along I-25 and watch flames licking at the sky from the hillside. One hundred foot tall flames. The hillside I've recently hiked. The hillside where a co-worker lives. The city looked like the lovechild of Armageddeon and a military coup. Helicopters, planes, police, national guard, firefighters, state troopers, the Governor and mayor, national forest service personnel--all of these people came to be the only familiar and only comforting faces on tv, in public, on streets, and over the radio. Smoke blotted out the sun--even changed the weather pattern originally coming in pre-fire for the city--and served as a constant and stark reminder of the serisouness of the blazing hillside and ever changing wind gusts. The blaze started in June and lasted into early July. Days felt like months, weeks felt like years...but my new home pulled together, supported residents, firefighters, and volunteer groups and individuals with warmth, compassion, donations of time, money, food and shelter for pets and people. everyone was weary and stressed, but truly held onto hope and positivity. I am so proud to have a such a strong community surrounding me.
Mid way through July...Cerrita calls me from work and informs that she doesn't have the heartburn we thought she had this morning at 4 am, rather it is quite serious, what it is she doesn't know, but her boss is driving her to the ER and she will call me from there or have him call me. The nurse she spoke to via Ask-A-Nurse said it sounded like classic symptoms for a heart attack. Eff! my love! Panic sweeps over my inside3s while my outsides struggle to keep the smile glowing and the goosebumps from growing at work. NUmerous calls to and from co worker/friends and her boss and I finally coulsn't take it and leaft work early to be with her. i want information from the docs mouth into my ears. I am thankful to her friends and boss for not letting her be alone during that scary time, but I needed to be there for her and well frankly, for myself, too.
The ER docs and techs and RNs etc couldn't figure out what was wrong, but knew something major was going on because of the X-Rays. The issue quickyl became not if or what the problem was but, why and how it got there to begin with and so suddenly.
Well, after 12 days, 2 ct scans, a scope of her esophagus, numerous chest x-rays, some barium swallow tests, and a boat load of bloodwork the red cross would be impressed by....a diagnosis. I am not going to reveal the name or even the nature. I will simply say that we are changing our lives a lot and living and learning, in a VERY healthy way, as we go through each day. I'll tell you, and it brings tears of joy, pain, stress, and love to my eyes as I think about it...12 days and about 6-8 of them in a state of silent fear and panic that the love of your life will remain a medical mystery to 6 VERY qualified doctors is a bonding experience of a lifetime. We leraned a lot about needs, affection, true compassion, and above all unconditional love. I am very anxious, very hopeful, but above all very proud of my girl and myself for getting through the roughest part of it all. Steady progress has been made since leaving the hospital only a few days ago.
Aurora, CO...I don't even know where to begin, other than what a slap in the face after already having an open wound personally. I love my new state (I miss my original one, often) and was in shock to hear yet another "record breaking news story" come blaring over the radio and television that fateful Friday. I haven't yet taken the time to form an opinion about the whole thing other than the fact that I am still firmly anti-violence...so much so that I may become a buddhist. Not really...well not yet at least.
I still hope to go back to teaching, there is no way it will or can work out for this fall--perhaps for the spring--but i now know my city, my state, and my self a lot better and will...I WILL...attack and become a gainfully employed teacher in 2013. Cerrita's health is a priority at the moment and I don't really mind living life a day at a time. Yes, I want to make changes in the world, help people, better myself and be challenged and passionate about a cause. For now...my cause is my personal life, and, isn't successfully living each day with a loved one a great enough cause? I think so. So i'm doing it...until I have time and energy for another cause.
All my love and as much as ever, I really miss you Mom...holy cow do I appreciate good RNs EVEN MORE now ;)
Ashley
